tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post8279016940997330905..comments2024-03-05T11:36:50.299-05:00Comments on Stand and Deliver: Let your kids cryRixahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07908864785513937876noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-25929471064949011002011-09-12T23:48:13.518-04:002011-09-12T23:48:13.518-04:00Very interesting post.. I felt unnurtured and negl...Very interesting post.. I felt unnurtured and neglected as a child but I am a pretty damn strong adult. Still I don't think I could knowingly inflict that "blessing" on my own children :) At least I won't feel guilty when they get neglected due to everyday busy-ness.AJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04100932151088312851noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-72388176529440447882011-08-22T14:09:00.078-04:002011-08-22T14:09:00.078-04:00This is a really great post, and I agree wholehear...This is a really great post, and I agree wholeheartedly. But this comment:<br />Cassandra said...<br /><br /> "Laura - I think the people who do CIO are the ones who then spank/smack their kids in an attempt to force them to stop crying. I think the parents who do everything to keep upset from happening in the first place are attached parents who take it to the super far extreme."<br /><br />-strikes a cord in me. I think CIO is a terribly misunderstood method of parenting and this kind of ridiculous assumption-making about the parents who use CIO is mean-spirited. I can tell you right now, parents who use CIO absolutely DO NOT smack their kids around. That's the same thing as saying attachment parents all must be co-dependent and are using that parenting method to validate deeper psychological issues. This kind of comment just reminds me of that particular scene in "Away We Go". Bashing other parents for just doing the very best that they can really just isolates young parents from one another, which is the last thing we should be doing.<br /><br />As for tantrums, I let my kids have them, I just contain the behavior. For instance, if it happens in the middle of a restaurant or grocery store, instead of subjecting everyone else to my child's meltdown, I just let my waitress or the manager know that I'll be back to my table or grocery cart soon and we go out to the car, where they can just scream and freak out. After they're calm, we go back.Simply EChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01434347334342319910noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-41297411203036250392011-08-07T09:07:07.548-04:002011-08-07T09:07:07.548-04:00I just now saw your comment on my birth story post...I just now saw your comment on my birth story post! My midwife told me you sewed that scale sling and I think that is when I started reading your blog.<br /><br />These are great points! I've been working on making it a habit to validate my children's feelings, and frequently this helps. But sometimes (uh, every day!) my kids need to vent just like an adult, but adults have many ways to do this. They can write in a journal, make a phone call, have a beer, or go for a long run. Kids don't have all that, and the things they do have can be hard for them to think of in the moment. My nearly-two-year-old is in a phase in which she tantrums over something which absolutely cannot be helped. She can't decide between two choices, gets overwhelmed, and melts down. And I KNOW there is no stopping it because I've tried. It's part of growing up, and it's messy and loud. I just wish everyone understood this, because despite my best efforts it's going to happen in public occasionally and a tantrum is not a fire that needs to be put out. The belief that it is makes my job as a mama really difficult. We do what we can to keep this from happening in restaurants and places, but we shouldn't have to be hermits or parent in a way that goes against our beliefs when we're out. I think people should show a bit more understanding and grace for these little ones who are going to grow up to be their nurses, doctors, police officers, lawmakers, caregivers...Jennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02154415218933660079noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-71468414239268037812011-08-04T16:32:13.262-04:002011-08-04T16:32:13.262-04:00It was at a park, not in a restaurant or some othe...It was at a park, not in a restaurant or some other place where someone couldn't move away, or where one would reasonably expect it to be quiet. And what does YMMV mean?Maryannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05674022115623396106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-82126717526228324952011-08-03T23:09:03.376-04:002011-08-03T23:09:03.376-04:00Y'know, the stares might have been less becaus...Y'know, the stares might have been less because the people were concerned about your daughter's happiness, and more because they didn't want to listen to a screaming 3 year old. Just a thought. At home, yes, I let my toddler get over his tantrums himself and don't over soothe. But in public I think it's my responsibility to keep him from driving other people nuts. YMMV.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-82055343347091292142011-08-03T21:04:52.986-04:002011-08-03T21:04:52.986-04:00I have 3 kids and work in a 'hippie' dayca...I have 3 kids and work in a 'hippie' daycare. I definitely believe that kids need to be allowed to feel sad and mad etc. and have a good cry. At the daycare and at my house we have a 'safe place' to cry. or throw a huge fit.Ashley S in IChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01869770527543051411noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-68925230047861491612011-08-03T15:34:23.474-04:002011-08-03T15:34:23.474-04:00i am right there with you.
to me, the most optimal...i am right there with you.<br />to me, the most optimal thing you can do in these circumstances is exactly what you need....1.) make sure your child knows you are right there to attend to their needs if they want you 2) let them FEEL and BE. <br /><br />when they calm down, they will come back to you renewed and perhaps with a learning of their own coping tools.<br /><br />i've had to sit in front of stores for 20+ mins with my kids as they tantrumed. it is what it is and i don't mind the stares.<br /><br />good for you, mama.MereMortalhttp://leighsteele.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-24272488047868791672011-08-02T17:46:12.401-04:002011-08-02T17:46:12.401-04:00I really enjoyed too the book Gottlieb references ...I really enjoyed too the book Gottlieb references called The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. I may need to revisit it b/c it's been a few years. I like this concept, along with the whole free-range kids concept.Maryannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05674022115623396106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-62917688297786294842011-08-02T03:44:12.024-04:002011-08-02T03:44:12.024-04:00LOL! Good to know I was doing the right thing all ...LOL! Good to know I was doing the right thing all those times I left my kid sitting in the shopping cart, screaming, while I was at the other end of the isle pretending to intently read the ingredients on some obscure item and trying not to notice the screaming! <br /> I always figured I was just choosing my battle as there is NO way to console or quiet an irate child. Turns out I just have natural talent for parenting! Thanks Rixa!LisaJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09522420008436130132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-7948443924033939682011-08-02T00:12:44.681-04:002011-08-02T00:12:44.681-04:00I love what Tori said about happiness being a choi...I love what Tori said about happiness being a choice and teaching kids that. I try my best to avoid tantrums, but with a nearly two year old, sometimes they are inevitable. I too have had moments when I've just let my daughter cry. When the hugs and counting to three doesn't work, and she escalates every time I try to talk to her calmly, I say, "Nora, I'm sorry you are sad/mad/frustrated/whatever. Mama wants to talk to you about it, but you aren't ready to listen. When you are ready to calm down let me know and then we can talk about it/do something fun/whatever." And I just walk away or resume what I was doing. It's for both of our sanity, because there are times that no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be able to get through. Usually this is when she's overtired or hungry, but it's not always avoidable.Amber @ Au Coeurhttp://www.amber-hinds.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-38083574800928069462011-08-01T22:09:30.841-04:002011-08-01T22:09:30.841-04:00happiness is the goal... but it's by way of CH...happiness is the goal... but it's by way of CHOICE. To choose happiness regardless of our circumsance is truly the goal of life. And that's what we need to teach our children... not DO everything for them that they may be happy. That will certainly fail in the long-run!Torihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11901588112351881534noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-29279941779056370452011-08-01T17:55:41.694-04:002011-08-01T17:55:41.694-04:00Oh, that makes me feel better because that is my u...Oh, that makes me feel better because that is my usual approach to tantrums-- either that or a break down. I once heard that almost all tantrums only last 3 minutes and that if you ignore them then kids just stop on their own. I've timed a couple of my kids and they never make it past 2 minutes-- unless something is really wrong or they are tired.Heather@Women in the Scriptureshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13840219710920268885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-34115603840226470782011-08-01T16:50:47.869-04:002011-08-01T16:50:47.869-04:00I actually remember a time when I was watching my ...I actually remember a time when I was watching my cousin's children, and her two-year-old (who was very articulate, might I add) was having a tantrum because his parents had left while he was napping. <br /><br />I decided to let him cry, but then it had been a really long time and I finally went to him and asked, "Do you still want to be crying?" He then said, "No." I replied, "Well, then you can stop crying now and go play with your sister." And that's what he did. There are times when they don't know that they don't have to cry anymore :)Laura A.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02281382584845664329noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-85212562520237229352011-08-01T11:25:59.332-04:002011-08-01T11:25:59.332-04:00I learned this lesson when my now 11-year-old was ...I learned this lesson when my now 11-year-old was about 5 and just having a meltdown. I had him, a 4 yo and a 2 yo (and was pregnant with my 4th) and I couldn't get him to settle so we finally left where ever it was we were. In the car - with much exasperation - I asked him "Does it make you feel better to scream and cry like that?" and he said YES! So I let him be.Andreanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-29754217647592747852011-08-01T10:25:09.383-04:002011-08-01T10:25:09.383-04:00I think it's easy for any parent to get caught...I think it's easy for any parent to get caught up in thinking that one has done too much or too little for his/her child. But the plain fact is that we can only do our best xZion Lightshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02068262746840238233noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-84217349689820095452011-08-01T10:12:53.275-04:002011-08-01T10:12:53.275-04:00How many times have you seen the kid fall/get hurt...How many times have you seen the kid fall/get hurt at playgroup and be relatively chill - but their mom makes the "OH MY GOODNESS" face, they see it and burst into tears. <br /><br />I've had moms say "your daughter just fell" with that pregnant pause like aren't you going to go check on her. And I just say Yeah, I know - she can recover just fine on her own.Janiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08455764039212519400noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-65611333219615570532011-08-01T07:57:10.454-04:002011-08-01T07:57:10.454-04:00While I agree we need to let our children experien...While I agree we need to let our children experience life I'n order to have the coping skills to handle it, if you go back and read the original article she is referring to (quite lengthy) you can see that while it is thought provoking we need to remember that the psychologist writing the article is a psychoanalyst, where they must always blame the parent. If you read some of the comments to the original article they are really good- especially the one from another psychologist. I would rather have a child that is feeling adrift or mildly depressed than one with their life in ruins from much more serious problems. Sometimes things happen and the parents aren't always to blame- and I'm not they helicopter parent either- just offering a counterpoint. The woman used as an example I'n this article had a great life and the shrink is looking for someone to blame for her feeling lost. Maybe she just needs to find some excitement in her life. Maybe there is no reason at all for her feeling and she just needs a few extra coping skills. If she can have a great job and a great family I'm sure she can get through a little slump I'n life.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-61015853099234031942011-07-31T23:06:20.885-04:002011-07-31T23:06:20.885-04:00I don't think we should have to have a child p...I don't think we should have to have a child psychologist tell us this because it's good common sense! I can't imagine how I'd feel if every time I opened my mouth to cry someone stuck a boob in my mouth, or started hushing me. People need to feel their feelings! Especially kids!<br /><br />I also can't stand it when people ignore terrible behaviour, conversely. There are many ways to handle behaviour which is unacceptable besides hitting, yelling to belittling. Children are neither adults nor dolts... and they shouldn't be treated like either. <br /><br />Good post.Tzipporahhttp://www.onbecomingdevoted.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-41532107416097290592011-07-31T22:55:06.150-04:002011-07-31T22:55:06.150-04:00From a grandma who believes this too...but you wen...From a grandma who believes this too...but you went in a basement and perhaps the child had a reaction to a mold or something that caused discomfort. She may not be able to tell you her sinuses hurt...Or just the opposite...maybe she liked it there....Not too fast to let cry mom's. And then those tantrums....let um cry for sure!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-23135623376185073702011-07-31T21:05:29.028-04:002011-07-31T21:05:29.028-04:00Ha! Funny - recently, I was talking with a friend ...Ha! Funny - recently, I was talking with a friend about my babysitting experiences as a child, and how my little cousin did a lot of "crying it out." He was probably around 2, maybe 3, at this time. Every time his mother would leave, he would just be inconsolable. The first few times I worked so hard to try to comfort him and calm him down, but no dice. He didn't want my comfort, he wanted Mom! So eventually, when he noticed Mom was gone and he started to cry, I would just tell him, "I'll be in the living room when you want to come play!" Then I'd leave him alone, and 30 to 45 minutes later he'd have stopped crying and he would come out of his room and we would play. <br /><br />Anyway, I felt bad about this at the time. Not that there was anything else I could do, but it still made me feel guilty. Now I feel sort of validated!Bronwen Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16782879181282061363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-84868903740608691682011-07-31T20:21:28.766-04:002011-07-31T20:21:28.766-04:00I agree! When I was a teacher, there were many st...I agree! When I was a teacher, there were many students that would not work to find answers that were not right in front of them. They would immediately ask for help and not even try.<br /><br />As a volleyball coach, I continually find year after year volleyball players who don't know how to work hard or to deal with frustration or difficult situations. They depend on mom and dad to fix situations for them instead of dealing with it themselves. Then when they are playing in a match and things get rough, mom and dad can't help. However after the match is over, they are full of excuses to take the blame off their child. <br /><br />One way of helping my players learn how to handle situations themselves is to not "fix" things for them, but to ask questions to help them find the answer to the problem. Also, do design drills to allow them to practice working through difficult situations.<br /><br />I don't do the cry it out with my 3 1/2 month old - I think that is way to young to start this learning process, but when I feel he is old enough I will begin letting him experience difficulties that are age appropriate.Jenn Watsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03176025506759215542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-34512641539132951602011-07-31T20:20:39.884-04:002011-07-31T20:20:39.884-04:00Great post! I think it goes even beyond "hap...Great post! I think it goes even beyond "happiness" though. Right down to always rescuing our kids. I had a heated discussion in an AP group about "logical consequences" just being another word for punishment....like, if I want to my child to experience the logical consequence of forgetting their mitts, then I'm really punishing them because it would have just been easy for me to bring mitts. Sure....but who brings MY mitts when I forget? <br />People forget we're raising adults. Do we want adults that need to be told everything's alright when they break a nail?TracyKMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07498896222222982320noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-83850119016350201972011-07-31T20:05:13.214-04:002011-07-31T20:05:13.214-04:00Laura - I think the people who do CIO are the ones...Laura - I think the people who do CIO are the ones who then spank/smack their kids in an attempt to force them to stop crying. I think the parents who do everything to keep upset from happening in the first place are attached parents who take it to the super far extreme.<br /><br />It has always bothered me that parents think kids who are having tantrums are misbehaving. My parents, even with my 9 month old, say she's "acting" whenever she has a little tantrum. It's all an act, she's not really upset, she's not really expressing unhappiness or anger, it's just one great big bluff to get her way - even though I have never let her have her way after a tantrum, so how does that even make any sense? Kids don't know how to express their emotions fully yet. They do whatever feels natural at whatever developmental stage they're at currently. It's not like adults suddenly develop appropriate coping mechanisms, they usually just develop quieter ones.Cassandrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03576504078115706818noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-56092699192692131542011-07-31T20:02:09.488-04:002011-07-31T20:02:09.488-04:00We very rarely even acknowledge when our daughter ...We very rarely even acknowledge when our daughter trips and falls. So she has never made a big deal about it unless she really has been hurt, giving us the cues to respond to her properly. Now that she's two, she's having a lot more tantrums over things that are simply beyond our control, or that we will refuse to cave to. When she's calmed down we talk about how she was mad/sad and don't attach any value to the feeling... it's fine to feel those things, just as it's fine to feel happy or tired. <br /><br />I haven't had to deal with a freak-out on the scale of Zari's (yet), but I would have done exactly what you did, because sometimes you really can't do anything and have to let them work through whatever it is they need to.Meghannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20642800.post-72386952215041042452011-07-31T19:03:15.947-04:002011-07-31T19:03:15.947-04:00I find it very ironic that we live in a society wh...I find it very ironic that we live in a society where it's okay to let your little baby CIO so you can get some sleep, and yet when that baby gets older, the parent does everything possible to make sure the kid DOESN'T cry. Oh the irony...Laura A.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02281382584845664329noreply@blogger.com