Script for "Machine that goes Ping!"

ANNOUNCER: Part One: The Miracle of Birth.

[clunk]

[clunk]

[clunk]

[clunk]

OBSTETRICIAN: One thousand and eight!

NURSE #1: Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor!

OBSTETRICIAN: Good. Take her into the Foetus Frightening Room.

NURSE #1: Right.

[exciting music]

OBSTETRICIAN: Thum, thummm, thummm, thum, thummmm, thummmmmm. Thum, thummm. Thummm. Jolly good.

[music stops]

DOCTOR SPENSER: Bumm, bumm, bumm, bumm, bum--

OBSTETRICIAN: So, it's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Yes.

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse: the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.

NURSE #1: Yes. Certainly, Doctor.

DOCTOR SPENSER: And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'.

OBSTETRICIAN: And get the most expensive machines, in case the administrator comes.

[clunk]

[exciting music]

That's it. Bring in the other machines. Right over here.

DOCTOR SPENSER: [whistling]

OBSTETRICIAN: That's it. Just behind me.

[music stops]

Lovely. Lovely. Jolly good. That's better. That's much, much better.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Yeahhh, that's more like it.

OBSTETRICIAN: Eehhh. Still something missing, though.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Hm?

OBSTETRICIAN: Hmmm. Mmmmm.

[snap]

OBSTETRICIAN and DOCTOR SPENSER: Patient!

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Where's the patient?

OBSTETRICIAN: Anyone seen the patient?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Patient?

NURSE #1: Aah! Here she is.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Bring it over here.

[clank]

Mind the machines!

NURSE #1: Sorry, Doctor Spenser.

OBSTETRICIAN: Come along!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Come along.

NURSE #1: Jump up there. Up!

MRS. MOORE: Ehh.

OBSTETRICIAN: Hallo. Now, don't you worry.

DOCTOR SPENSER: We'll soon have you cured.

OBSTETRICIAN: Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Good-bye!

OBSTETRICIAN: Good-bye.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Drips up!

OBSTETRICIAN: Injections!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Can I put the tube in the baby's head?

OBSTETRICIAN: Only if I can do the episiotomy.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Okay.

OBSTETRICIAN: Okay. Uh, legs up! Doctor, come in. Come on in, all of you. That's it. Jolly good.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Come along.

OBSTETRICIAN: Come along. Spread 'round there. Uh, who are you?

MR. MOORE: I'm the husband.

OBSTETRICIAN: I'm sorry. Only people involved are allowed in here. All right.

MRS. MOORE: What do I do?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Mhm. Yes?

MRS. MOORE: What do I do?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Nothing, dear. You're not qualified!

OBSTETRICIAN: Leave it to us!

MRS. MOORE: What's that for?

OBSTETRICIAN: That's the machine that goes 'ping'.

[ping]

You see? That means your baby is still alive!

DOCTOR SPENSER: And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital!

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Aren't you lucky?!

NURSE #2: The administrator is here, doctor.

OBSTETRICIAN: Switch everything on!

[exciting music]

[ping]

MR. PYCROFT: Morning, gentlemen.

RANDOM: Morning.

MR. PYCROFT: Morning, gentlemen.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Morning!

OBSTETRICIAN: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.

MR. PYCROFT: Oh, very impressive. Very impressive. And what are you doing this morning?

[music stops]

OBSTETRICIAN: It's a birth.

MR. PYCROFT: Aahh. What sort of thing is that?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.

MR. PYCROFT: Wonderful what we can do nowadays.

[ping]

Aah! I see you have the machine that goes 'ping'. This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to, and that way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.

NURSE #1: Ooh, the vulva's dilating, doctor.

OBSTETRICIAN: Oh, yes, there's the head. Yes, four centimetres. Five-- Six centimetres.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Lights!

OBSTETRICIAN: Amplify the 'ping' machine.

[ping]

DOCTOR SPENSER: Masks up!

OBSTETRICIAN: Suction!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Eyes down for a full house!

OBSTETRICIAN: Here it comes!

BABY: [crying]

OBSTETRICIAN: And... frighten it! Thank you.

[whock]

DOCTOR SPENSER: And the rough towels!

OBSTETRICIAN: Show it to the mother. That's enough.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Right! Sedate her!

OBSTETRICIAN: Number the child.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Measure it, blood type it, and isolate it!

[whump]

NURSE #1: Okay.

[clap clap]

Show's over.

OBSTETRICIAN: Jolly good.

RANDOM: [mumbling] ...everyone.

OBSTETRICIAN: Jolly good.

MRS. MOORE: Is it a boy or a girl?

OBSTETRICIAN: Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? Now, a word of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression: 'P.N.D.', as we doctors call it. So, it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS, and Super Eight.

[ping]