Have you thought of it as a control issue? You have had an experience where you were totally in control, autonomous, and making your own decisions. And now it sounds with this particular midwife, you are going to have to give some of that decision making power to her because there will be things that she may not budge on. It's important to you that you are alone in the room, and she may not allow that to happen. Not only does that feel like your power is being taken from you, you may fear that her presence will alter your ability to birth in some way. I think I'm projecting my feelings on to you but I know that it's that reason that I would be uncomfortable with having a midwife. Maybe it's just what you've described to me about this particular midwife. Tell me if I'm wrong on that and I'll be quiet. My fears with having a midwife present are two-fold: I don't trust her to not take control of a situation in a way that overrides my autonomy. That of course is at the root of what I didn't like about my birth experience with my son and led me to consider a UC. I hated having to fight for the responsibility to make my own choices when I could choose to not have to face that fight at all.My core concerns center on autonomy and control--not control of the birth process itself, but control of my surroundings and those people around me. It's important that I can totally relax during labor and not worry about any externals. For me, I accomplish that through careful planning and control over my birth environment. In a way, I seek to control some things before labor so that I can give up control when labor begins.
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Monday, January 19, 2009
The root of my worries
I've been corresponding with my friend Jenne from Descent into Motherhood about my desires for this upcoming birth. We are both seeing a midwife and trying to decide what role we wish them to play in our upcoming births. She wrote to me yesterday something that perfectly sums up the root of my concerns:
I like this new layout!
ReplyDeleteI think the key is whether or not the midwife is fully supportive of your choices or just willing to go along as long as she thinks everything is going well.
ReplyDeleteSome more thoughts... If she insists on being in the room will she be hands off unless you ask for help, or will she just jump in if she thinks she sees a problem. How does she feel about your experience with birth, does she think you are capable of doing this on your own? Are her preferences to be in the room etc. based on protecting herself from malpractice or because she doubts your ability to handle birth on your own? Don't know if you had already come up with these questions but they're worth asking.
ReplyDeleteoh the dilemma of not having an midwife who practices evidence based midwifery. you could drop a few papers around here and there...
ReplyDeleteAfter reading through all the comments on the previous posts about your concerns & thinking about it for a while I wonder if these concerns are part of your instincts or if it is more a case of the adversary trying to tempt you away from what you know is right. KWIM? Have you prayed about it? How does your hubby feel about your concerns, does he share them? May I suggest that if you haven't already, pray about this together & see what answer you receive.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you said this;
ReplyDelete"In a way, I seek to control some things before labor so that I can give up control when labor begins"
that is exactly how I feel.
I too wonder about midwives. I looked into some... but something i think my midwifery/doula knowledge actually prevents me from wanting one. I've seen how even a laid back midwife/doula can suddenly become hands on during labour and that scares me. on the other hand it is a feeling I want to fully explore. I don't want to pick UC b/c UC is what was on my mind first. I don't want to be stubborn to prove something.
not to sound silly... but have you considered having a very experienced doula on call? (and not calling if you don't wanna) I've done this for clients before. turned out I got called, but being the UC advocate I am I didn't get any more involved then they asked me to, and they were very happy with it.
Have you talked with her about your concerns yet? I find that there is almost nothing more frustrating that constant worrying without being able to do something about it. She may prove to be, outside of the things she's already told you, pretty amenable to what you have in mind.
ReplyDeleteI have an appointment this Friday, so I will finally be able to talk through these things with her. A lot of my questions/concerns will likely be taken care of once we can talk about specifics. It's not that I have an aversion to assistance if it's really needed--hey, if there's a shoulder dystocia for example, I will definitely do everything I can to resolve it ASAP (hands & knees, McRoberts, lunges, etc) and be fine with a midwife stepping in to offer assistance. I have enough experience with birth that I know which situations truly require assistance and what those things look like. It's more the question of: will I really truly be left alone otherwise? As lauramamadoula noted, you can't assume that a midwife will just sit on her hands. She may; she may not. It's that unknown element that really unsettles me. And without being able to accompany her on births, I wonder how well I'll really know beforehand. That's part of my worry about not having that insider's perspective in my new state, since I am no longer attending births as a doula or midwife's assistant/apprentice. Anyway...lots of questions that hopefully will reach resolution by this Friday.
ReplyDeleteAnd a doula? Maybe, but frankly the only reason I want any outsiders there is for their skills in an emergency situation, not for normal "labor support." A doula, to me, seems to have all the disadvantages of bringing an outsider into my space, without the ability to assist in those rare, urgent situations that may arise.
It seems like there might be risks either way- it's just deciding between them; either not having help in the case of shoulder dystocia or suturing, but having an uninterrupted labor and birth, or having the help, but risking intrusions that might be unwanted. I think that a midwife's style would be more predictable than knowing if you will need emergency assistance or sutures. Maybe she can provide references for you to call of another couple that had a "hands-off" birth for reassurance?
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this post, Rixa. And it makes complete sense to me. I think that you will get a much clearer picture about your midwife regarding these issues after you talk to her.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering too, if the reason she feels she needs to do x, y and z is because of liability, maybe you can do x, y and z and record it so she can put it on her chart. Of course this does not work for her wanting to be there as baby emerges. I am not sure what to think about that one. That would be *the* sacred place I would want to safeguard most of all. I could deal with check ups during labor, not watching eyes during emergence.
Another thought came to mind, and leave it if it does not resonate, but you mentioned that there may be a reason that you feel drawn into looking at having a midwife present. I am thinking that this process could very well be the reason. Every birth brings it's own challenges, doubts, worries etc. It seems to me you are fine tuning your preparation, knowing that you shouldn't necessarily expect the same experience.
Oh, and I like your new name, though "The True Face of Birth" will be hard to not associate with you! I think you should buy the name...
ReplyDeletei can totally relate to this!! my birth at home with a midwife was wonderful, but during labor i found myself aware that i was being watched by my midwife and i actually wondered if i was "doing it" right. i found myself asking her what i should do instead of focusing completely on my intuition and instincts. if i do have another baby one day, i think i would like to plan a UC...
ReplyDeleteRixa,
ReplyDeleteI totally believe in controlling the surroundings so that you can release yourself. It's an interesting paradox.
I am disappointed that you didn't utilize the lovely photo somehow. Quick layout change!
Susana, I know, it is such a conundrum. And don't worry, the layout is just temporary as I'm working on something much better!
ReplyDeleteWhy does the midwife have such a strict idea of her presence/actions instead of her presence and actions being those that will help you create the space and birth experience you want/need?
ReplyDeleteYou only get one chance at this birth, and she should be supportive the way your husband is. If she insists on being in the room, it's unlikely she'll let you opt out of that. If she agreed to remain in a different room until/unless you call (on) her, like your husband, you'd have more time and room to feel out how and where she can fit into the birth. You might decide you want her in the room or it's okay if she's there but hands off, but I think you're more likely to find this out and find your way to this if you start out alone and invite her in rather than having her impose.
Your daughter's birth was beautiful, and I am sad that you may not have an equally fitting, if different, experience this time.
yes I understand what you mean. would not an very experienced doula know how to help with shoulder dystocia? or the like? (or maybe that's just my thing) though also there is the idea you could personally be uncomfortable with her knowledge not being credentialed, which I could see. (totally a personal choice)
ReplyDeleteeither way I get what you're going through, I really do. having been a doula doesn't mean I want a doula at my birth - as odd as that may sound to some people. doulas fill a need that I just don't have at this time. I think we are great when we are needed, but i would never encourage anyone to get one who didn't need it.
we moved in aug and I don't know any of the midwives here. it makes me nervous. in Maryland I knew who to call and how they would likely respond. I haven't worked with any midwives in PA and it freaks me out. I have NO idea what to expect from them and it's very unsettling to me. it honestly makes me shiver thinking about the possibilities...