Of all the questions that people ask, this is one of the most difficult to answer. What exactly is a "good" baby anyway? Have you ever met a "bad" one?
One person's "good" baby might be another person's headache. For me, a baby who wakes up every few hours at night to nurse is entirely normal and good. But other people expect their babies to sleep long stretches at very early ages. I am also used to babies who nap a lot during the day, especially when they're little. But my youngest sister, whose baby is just 2 days older than Inga, has a baby who literally stays awake all day long. He might nap once if she takes him for a long walk. (Then he sleeps 6-8 hours at night, wakes up to nurse once, and sleeps the rest of the night.) Good baby? Bad baby? Who knows...
The words "good" and "bad" are far too vague to describe an infant's attributes. I prefer specific ones with a generally agreed-upon meaning. Dio, for example, was definitely a fussy baby from about 2-8 weeks old. Not "bad," just cranky and difficult to console at times.
So how do I respond? I laugh and deflect the question by saying, "I don't know. Is there such a thing as a bad baby? I think all babies are good!"
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I think most people equate 'good baby' with 'easygoing baby' - but people's expectations aren't always realistic. I get parents that think their babies are 'greedy' for wanting to eat every 3 hours or 'spoiled' for wanting to be held versus placed in the bassinet. I'd love to have a nickel for every time I've explained that wanting to be held, and wanting to eat every 3 hours are NORMAL NEWBORN behaviors.
ReplyDeleteI had a kid that was never a 'good' day sleeper - 90 minutes was a superb nap for him, even as a newborn, but he was always a good night sleeper. Still exclusively breastfeeding but sleeping 12 straight hours a night from about 4-5 months old. I'd much rather have that any day.
So...I think you are right. Expectations vary widely, as does the definition of 'normal newborn.'
I've had two good babies...but one was more difficult than the other. Both my girls have been happy and healthy, no colic, nothing like that. My first napped during the day, and then refused to sleep at night. I was exhausted. My second (who is almost 7 months old) has been amazing. Still happy, healthy, no colic, nothing like that (though she doesn't like to be without mama, which does get frustrating at times) but she's been sleeping through the night since about 4 months (waking once or twice to nurse, then going right back to sleep), she's always smiling, rarely upset, just an awesome baby.
ReplyDeleteBut neither of my girls have been "bad" babies.
I've been wanting to write a post on "Beware the 'good baby'" as we say in LLL. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, esp in families w/ older kids, and some babies shut down & nurse less often & sleep more as a response to not being nursed often enough. A mom can be fooled into thinking she is lucky her newborn sleeps so much, when really it's Failure To Thrive.
ReplyDeleteI just wrote about this again today! http://www.anktangle.com/2011/04/being-good.html
ReplyDeleteI've struggled with this same thing since my son was born: what am I supposed to say to that question?! Of course my baby is a good person. Does he always behave in convenient ways? No. But I also don't expect him to! I don't think it's reasonable to require a child to be able to conduct himself like an adult (or sleep through the night or whatever the desirable "good" behavior is).
The only question I get is "How is she sleeping?" to which I reply "Like a baby!" Which of course is true, because she is a baby, but it lets people draw their own conclusions.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult when one child's temperment and schedule is drastically different from the rest of the family. We jokingly call our third child a "bad, bad baby". The 1st two were easy going babies that slept in the expected fashion. The 2nd in particular was a very easygoing baby, slept late in the morning...etc. The third threw us for a loop though. The rest of the family are night owls, she's early to bed and early to rise. She pitches fits when she can't have her way. She bites sometimes. (I've never had a biter before)She's not bad but she's very different to which we sometimes respond badly. *shrug*
ReplyDeleteI love this post, so true! We just moved to Spain and people here ask if she is behaving well. I think that is so silly, how can a baby behave well? I usually answer that of course, she is behaving well, but we sometimes fail to behave well with her - for example, when I don't pick her up right away because I am still attending to her older sister.
ReplyDeleteI also get other silly reactions. I am still exclusively nursing my 7 months old. And she is the size of a 1 1/2 year old now. When people find out about the nursing they usually say something like: She is so big only from drinking your milk? It seems people don't thin that could be a complete meal for a baby! I think she might be so big BECAUSE of drinking only my milk ;-)
Anais
Yep, this question is VERY annoying, almost as annoying as "Is he/she sttn yet?" HATE that question. My baby is "good" in some ways and "difficult" in other ways but I can't even bring myself to say "bad!" What am I going to do, take him back for a refund?
ReplyDeleteI don't like the "good baby" question either. I usually just answered that my son was "easy" because it was true and wasn't a value judgement.
ReplyDeleteThis also reminds me of the "you'll spoil her" argument. I get that most from people who haven't had babies but still. I've heard that one at the beginning of each of my children's lives. If you get up 4 times a night to feed them you'll spoil them. If you use a sling instead of a car-seat carrier they'll expect to be carried their whole lives. If you go to them when they cry and don't let them cry it out, you're spoiling them. The concept of spoiling a new born is ludicrous to me but I hear it often. I agree with the good baby v. bad baby post here.
ReplyDeleteWhoa. No one ever asked me that. General talk of 'good babies' (implying 'bad babies') rubs me very much the wrong way, but if someone outright asked whether my baby were good or bad ... well, I don't think that would go very smoothly. I don't hit, but I think I could whip up some pretty scary language and facial expressions if necessary.
ReplyDeleteWhat is wrong with people? Maybe the best answer is, well, you sure don't seem like a very good grown-up!
I once replied, "No. She's a terrible baby. Just yesterday we had to post bail for her selling crack to school children!" ;) It catches people off-guard.
ReplyDeleteWhen people asked me if my daughter was good I'd just say: 'She's good at being a baby!'
ReplyDeleteRixa's sister here (the one with the baby who doesn't sleep during the day, but goes 8 hours at night). Yes, my little guy sleeps all night, but he also nurses every hour when he is awake to make up for the feedings he missed at night. And if I don't work at helping him nap, he will stay awake all day and get cranky. No newborn falling asleep throughout the day. So yes he sleeps all night, bu5 he requires a lot more attention during the day.
ReplyDeleteThe best response I've heard to that question was from a Southern mother who drawled 'Well, he hasn't knocked over a liquor store yet...'
ReplyDeleteI like the sarcastic responses to the question. I've never been asked that specifically, but have been asked "How is she sleeping" and I usually just say she sleeps well. It seems most of the time the questioner wants to hear the mother complain either to commiserate or laugh so I don't provide an opportunity for either.
ReplyDeleteMy first baby was up every two hours for nine months. with the second baby i realised this was due to my exhaustion decreasing my milk production.
ReplyDeleteI would take a baby who sleeps at night over the alternative. I was delirious from lack of sleep and could barely function.
Our pediatrician corrected on this early on. When he asked how our daughter was doing, we said, "She's a really good baby. We feel lucky." And he pushed back. "Good? Do you mean 'quiet' or 'agreeable'? Because by using 'good,' you're telling me there are 'bad' babies out there. And I don't believe that."
ReplyDeleteI've never referred to our daughter as "good" ever again :)
I actually have told some people (if I have a few minutes) that all babies are good babies as long as their needs are being met. People constantly told me how good and happy my daughter was (and is), but I try not to take much credit and just acknowledge that she doesn't have much to complain about! I hate the idea that small children are trying to be manipulative and fussy, but that really seems to be what people believe around here.
ReplyDeleteI get the "good" and happy baby all the time too. I never know how to answer the good baby thing. He's easygoing and generally good natured. All of my babies have bee happy little children. People always comment on how pleasant to be around and give me grief for my attachment parenting ways in the next breath.
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm feeling good and snarky, I say, "Well, she hasn't knocked over any banks recently, even though we could really use the cash." In my sleep deprived stupor, I usually just ask them what they mean.
ReplyDeleteWhile I totally get what you are saying, and do understand that there are no bad babies, I think people dont know what to say. As isolated women and mothers in this society, these weird questions just sort of come about. Same as the How Are Ya Feeling to pregnant moms, we want to hear that you are puking, in pain, miserable, peeing, swelling, nervous...and we also want to hear that you are excited, glowing, earthy, in bloom.
ReplyDeleteWith the Is She A Good Baby thing, people want to hear God no I am sleep deprived, depressed, bleeding, anxious, sore, resentful, housebound, angry, overwhelmed, lonely, blistered, still fat, dissapointed, bitter. We also want to hear that moms are in love, smitten, cozy, making milk, adjusting, fulfilled, resting, adjusting, enjoying their little angel.
All that theorizing aside, I have had 5 children and my first was a "good baby". What this meant for ME was that she nursed every 2 hours, pooped, and gurgled contentedly in her little bouncer chair. (Hey I was 22 this was all I really knew. did know babywearing stuff till later, didnt have any presupossed notions of AP, etc)
then our second baby was colicky, angry, farty, exhausting. the toddler turned evil, I had a csection and was feeling like shit, and the boob and bouncy chair that was all I knew of newborn life as turned upside down on its head. This baby needed gas drops, babywearing, swaddling, special white noise, constant shift changes between me and my weary husband. He would pull away from my breast like it was full of lemon juice, aerch his back, scream, and wasnt gaining weight, wouldnt look me in the eye, and basically to us, was not a good baby! those first few weeks tunred into months and it was hard. Especially since we already had done the newborn thing and thought we knew what to expect!
by 4 months old he was the fattest roly poly happy little cherub you could ever dream of. So was he BAD? Of course not. But he wasnt easy-peasy.
third baby, a bit of a mix. He wanted to nurse 24/7 including all night. I was tandem nursing a toddler too and I was really really beat. He also was a bit colicky and hated the car, so we were a bit housebound. I had shoulder and back problems from nursing him all night and wasnt feeling too too great. Was this a bad baby? A good baby? who even knew!
Fourth baby, huge nursing problems. I even was tri-andem nursing and he still wouldnt latch, and it seemed all of my kids were acting up. By this time the problems seemed to be with ME, but he was a difficult baby to care for. i couldnt babywear worth a darn because my body was so weak from yet another c section and it seemed the housebound with a crabby baby boy was my eternal life. I wanted to be tucked into bed with him, nursing and eating and drinking but instead was trying to care for all my kids and he would be upstiars in a baby swing with a monitor for his naps. He also nursed all night and didnt ever seem to settle in to real sleep, just wiggle wiggle fart fart. We put him in a crib at about 8 months old and things got much better. I am still nursing him in the evenings and he is 5 years old!
5th baby seemed to be a good baby. Maybe it is girls. haha! she nursed well, slept well, and slept with me but would give me the courtesy of unlatching so I was sleeping too. She never was colicky and seemed just mellow and cheerful. We got to go places in the car and be a family.
well I wrote you a huge post but thats my personal feelings about good baby bad baby. An odd loaded question but one based in women trying to get real and truthful stories out of each other.
If we all had access to the lifrstyle that supports attedning to a newborns needs, the bad baby syndrome might be a lot lower. But all in all, I think it may come down to the dreaded colic!
xoxo
I never said my second baby was 'good,' but he was very easy. He fell asleep quickly and without a fuss, lay by himself, woke often enough to nurse, but not so often that I was sleep-deprived, had a mellow temperament and fit seamlessly into our family. My playful response to that question is, "Yes, he's very tasty. Wanna try a bite of bellybutton pie?" (Insert lifting of shirt and sounds of zombie munching and raspberries here.)
ReplyDeleteL was easy peasy mac'n'cheesy. E has been more difficult, but once we figured out the dairy sensitivity, has been happy as a clam.
ReplyDeleteI actually got to "overhear" my girls' great-aunt and great-grandmother talking about how "good" they are (meaning happy, healthy, well-behaved, etc.), and marking it up to our parenting, meaning responsive/attachment parenting. I took it as a huge, glowing compliment, given the very old-fashioned source!
I had a baby that slept from midnight or 1 am to 9 am, nursing every couple hours. And then she would be awake the entire time from 9 am to midnight. This was the pattern for the first year. I don't think being awake all day long was anyone's idea of a good baby, especially given that she would cry uncontrollably if someone wasn't holding her the ENTIRE time. I didn't mind the nights, because I knew she had to nurse, but the days were brutal!
ReplyDeleteWhen people asked if she was a good baby, I just said yes. She's the only baby I've had, so I can't really compare, right?
That question drove me crazy and it got worse when I had twins "which one is the good one?"
ReplyDeleteTo which I always replied " oh, they are always smoking up and drinking out back really late! " really baaaad.
Gosh.. Easy is what folks want to really ask, but it's like asking about the weather. If it's a snow storm and you ask a skiier - they are thrilled to bits, if you ask somone who hates winter - it's not fun!
Erin
I wrote about this not too long ago.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree that this is sort of an odd question to ask about a baby. Every baby is "good", but each baby is unique.
I generally love the fact that my little boy wants to be held all the time and loves to nurse often, but for some others, this could be "bad".
I think the most important thing to remember is that babies are not little adults, they are babies. Their need level is much higher than ours, and they can't do it for themselves.
When I've looked back at my babies thusfar(5 almost 6) I've realized the "bad baby" experiences had more to do with MY emotional state at the time rather than the actual baby. So, yes, I joke about baby #2 never sleeping, always needing the pacifier, and generally causing havoc, when in reality she was normal and I just didn't deal with it very well. #5 was the same thing . . . 5 kids 7 & under was just a bit too much for me to handle at the time. So he was a
ReplyDelete"good" (normal) baby, but I just was feeling too overwhelmed at the time. So . . .yes, how do you answer that question? :-) With #6 we'll see how I respond.
This type of question really annoys me. I usually just answer that he is / we are happy, and then the questioner can decide for themselves what that entails (i.e. sleeping through the night, playing quietly by himself in a corner all day long, etc). I might try one of the snarkier comments next time, though, and see how that is received!
ReplyDeleteI too am highly suspicious of this question (to put it euphemistically :-)). I remember my children's former pediatrician even asking me this question soon after my first son was born. (She asked it in the context of how much he was sleeping.) In the haze of my new-mother fatigue, I remember wondering if I was somehow inadequate or "not doing a good enough job" for having a baby that wasn't "good." (Because ohhhhh no, he did NOT sleep for five hour stretches when he was four weeks old!)
ReplyDeleteLittle did I know that my little "waking every three hours to nurse" baby was not only good, but NORMAL!
And yes, unless you're talking about Rosemary's Baby, I agree that all babies are good. :-)