34 weeks pregnant

Some days I feel huuuuuuge! I'm not actually that big, though. My belly sticks out a good amount, but from side to side it's quite narrow.

I've been sleeping well, yet I'm still exhausted much of the time. I'm used to being capable and active, so my desire to lie on my side all day and do nothing at all frustrates and surprises me. I've found that getting out for a walk helps restore my energy. Don't know why that is!

I'm hitting that turning point in pregnancy when having a baby goes from seeming very far away to unnervingly close. I haven't really integrated the reality of another labor and birth. But I have my home visit scheduled for next Saturday, so I had to gather all of my birth and postpartum supplies. I did a final shopping trip last night, and now I have everything organized in a central location, from diapers and pads to hydrogen peroxide and witch hazel to herbal salt baths and tinctures for bleeding and afterpains.

It's easy to gather supplies for a baby, but preparing emotionally is more complex. I can never entirely relax until the baby is safely earthside. I have enough friends and acquaintances--in person and online--who have lost babies or who have had children with severe health problems that I can't take a healthy baby for granted. And even after my children are born, I still worry about their survival. I am sure I'm not the only parent who checks to be sure their kids are still breathing at night! Not all the time of course, but sometimes I just have to pop into their bedrooms and listen to their soft snores.

I'm also painfully aware that there are people out there in internet-land who are circling, waiting for a tragedy to strike me or my baby so they can pick apart my life and triumphantly proclaim that "see, home birth kills babies!" or "see, Natural Birth Advocates(TM) are so stupid and ignorant!" I would never, ever dream of capitalizing on someone else's sorrow. So I have both public and private demons to wrestle.

I'm also feeling a bit lonely in this pregnancy. I'd love to have an awesome blessingway (like this one) but if it's going to happen, I'll have to organize it myself. That's depressing. I loved Dio's blessingway that my friend Julie put together...then I had to do Inga's on my own. And let's be honest, some of my friends would love it while others would probably feel waaaaay out of their element. If only I could somehow bring all my long-distance friends together from across (and beyond) the country...
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