My dad had never thought about home burial until his mother died of cancer. She had requested that she not be embalmed and that family members dress her body and conduct her funeral. My dad helped his siblings make her coffin--no hermetically sealed affair, but a simple wooden box to hold her remains. My grandfather was so touched by the beauty and simplicity of a home burial that he requested the same for himself. My dad is an ardent supporter of home funerals and green burials, after participating in both his parents'. He started making handmade wood coffins as a side hobby and has sold a few to friends and acquaintances. I'm not sure what the one in our garage is for, since it's been there for a few years now.
The New York Times recently published an article about home funerals and green burials: Home Burials Offer an Intimate Alternative.
Baby boomers who are handling arrangements for the first time are particularly looking for a more intimate experience. “It’s organic and informal, and it’s on our terms,” said Nancy Manahan of Minneapolis, who helped care for her sister-in-law, Diane Manahan, after she died of cancer in 2001, and was a co-author of a book, “Living Consciously, Dying Gracefully,” about the experience. “It’s not having strangers intruding into the privacy of the family. It’s not outsourcing the dying process to professionals.”I couldn't help but notice the parallels between home burials and home births: a desire for more intimacy, for birth/death to happen on your own terms, and for the process to be one mediated by family members rather than by professionals. In fact, the article compared the upsurge in home burials to the home birth renaissance three decades ago:
Advocates say the number of home funerals, where everything from caring for the dead to the visiting hours to the building of the coffin is done at home, has soared in the last five years, putting the funerals “where home births were 30 years ago,” according to Chuck Lakin, a home funeral proponent and coffin builder in Waterville, Me.So, if anyone needs to buy a coffin, I know of a beautiful handmade one ready to go. And my mom will thank you for decluttering her garage!
I find it no coincidence at all that the two are so closely linked in people's minds. Think about it: Birth and death both are gateways to another life, another world, so to speak. Midwives stand at the gates with mothers to usher new life in...and family members can/should stand at the gates with our loved ones when the pass out the gates into the next life. It's a beautiful and intimate thing and I absolutely 100% support it. When I die, I want to die at home, with my family, the people I love.
ReplyDeleteThis is so interesting, I had never thought of it! I'm going to have to do some reading now. Thanks for this post!
ReplyDeleteI think it's beautiful. Death, like so many things in life, has been commercialized to an unhealthy degree. Embalming, choosing a coffin from a catalogue, doing what is expected...Not to mention the cost of a typical funeral. It's gotten to the point that the poor can't afford to die.
ReplyDeleteI've actually considered being composted. I know in LDS circles, people are afraid of cremation and such because of respect to the body, but I think pumping a body full of preservatives which can harm the environment isn't all that respectful. I think I'd rather my body be put to good use.
ReplyDeleteAs morbid as it is, I've thought of what I'd do if something happened to Margaret (not that I have any cause to be thinking about this). I wouldn't want to bury her where we live now because it's not going to be our permanent home and I wouldn't be able to visit her. We still have her placenta in the freezer and when we have a permanent home, we'll bury that with a tree or bush. I think if she were to leave us early, I'd bury/compost her and use the same tree. That just seems very nice to me- like she'll have come full circle.
Of course, there's no reason I should even be entertaining "what if Margaret died" thoughts, but I have.
Death is big business and there's no reason to pay thousands of dollars for a fancy burial.
I love the idea of a home buriel in a handmade coffin. It just sounds so lovely. I do wonder, however, if there are rules about where you can bury bodies? I'm not personally worried about the "biohazard" issues, but I'm sure it would be wise to not break any legalities about buriel.
ReplyDeleteYes, I really like the Promessa way of composting, which I learned about when I was reading Stiff. Of course that's not something you can DIY.
ReplyDeleteTrue, Rixa, but don't think I haven't wondered if it's possible to get enough liquid nitrogen and be able to do it ourselves. :)
ReplyDeleteI never thought about handling it all myself or having my family do so, but I do want a 'green' burial. Only problem is there is only one cemetery in BC that offers these and you cannot wear clothing-so as an endowed LDS member that's off the table.
ReplyDeleteWhere do you bury the body? Do most cemeteries allow you to do it yourself?
I loved this post, Rixa. I'm not even really sure why, but I did.
ReplyDeleteRather at the convergence of the two issues is perinatal hospice. Have you heard of that? I only recently learned of it. They are programs that allow a mother carrying a baby with a fatal disorder to carry the baby to his/her natural completion of days, providing palliative care, and allowing the family time to gently grieve, rather than aborting.
ReplyDeleteI read Grave Matters a year or two ago and loved it. Highly recommended for anyone who wants a basic primer in "green" burial options.
ReplyDeleteThere was an article in Smithsonian magazine about this several months ago. It was fascinating. The families they profiled who had home funerals for their loved ones seemed so at peace during the whole process.
ReplyDeleteThere are legal and sanitation issues to wrestle with, depending on where you live. Some states just require you to get a death certificate and I think the article said that most states will allow home funerals under certain circumstances (there's some --totally understandable -- paperwork involved, I think, in every state). I don't know if the article mentioned Canadian provinces but it seemed pretty easy to find out your state's regulations.
Tell me more about this, Rixa. I thought by law the body had to be released to only the professionals and particular care and burial had to be done in accordance to safety regulations. I love this idea. I could share a number of stories about how the hospital staff and then funeral staff stepped in with their overbearing rules that considered no one but themself; however, I never considered home burials because we can't even dispose of the placenta without commiting a crime!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,534939,00.html
ReplyDeleteAnd hospital births are safer? So sad. Wish they had tried to revive the baby right away!
I didn't realize there was such a thing as home burials.
this is something i've thought about off and on since reading kate braestrup's memoir 'here if you need me'. as each generation comes about we are getting farther away from human experiences, like birth and death. i think that handling a loved one's death the way you want them to is the most loving thing you can offer them as they pass on. i am touched that your parents have done this- i can imagine that it is very difficult. just as most of the important things in life are...
ReplyDeletethis is something dh and i have talked about a lot, since he's a mortuary student. we both like the idea very much, and i told him this is what i want.
ReplyDeleteas far as legality issues, they vary state to state. typically you'll need an official to sign a death certificate, and make sure that the chosen resting place doesn't have any requirements, ie., cement vault, zoning laws, etc. it is not a legal requirement, AFAIK, to be embalmed, since the jewish, islamic, and amish faiths do not allow embalming.
our goal is to one day own our own funeral home, and we would like to incorporate education and information on home burials into our community services, as well as using 'green' methods of embalming, such as Aardbalm.
http://aardbalm.com/
My dad said he wanted to be buried in a pine box on our property (mom has 7 acres). Part of me feels bad that we didn't honor his wishes; but his accidental death shook us all so much that it was difficult to do anything *but* go the traditional route. I know my mom looked into burying his body on our property, but it was not allowed for some reason I can't remember. So, if you really want your wishes honored for burial or anything else put it in writing, and also *plan your funeral* (don't pre-pay it, but do the pre-planning) and make sure there aren't any contravening laws that would make it difficult or impossible for your loved ones to bury you according to your wishes.
ReplyDelete-Kathy
for a long time now we have had it as our hope to do this too. it will depend of course the situation. if it's up to me I want a home funeral. my husband does too. but if neither of us are in control there isn't much we can do from there on. I figure I want people to do what makes them most comfortable. but i sincerely hope it's a home funeral.
ReplyDeleteAnd I bet it's a lot cheaper too! Just make a box and dig a hole.
ReplyDeleteI've thought about this (for myself) and also as a parallel to homebirth...
ReplyDeleteI have always known I would want to die at home, with as few interventions as possible, but the green funeral is something I haven't looked into deeply, yet.
Over the last few months, I have been thinking a lot about death, and specifically my passing. Maybe it is because I am about to become 40, I am a mother now, I lost my last grandparent earlier this year, my mother survived lung cancer last year... but I see myself very clearly within the cycle in life, and I know where I am going. I'd like to go there thoughtfully and in peace.
Also, as another parallel to birth, I remember reading an article in the NY Times a few years ago about "death doulas," people whose only task is be present with those who are dying.
Your mother isn't saving it for herself?
ReplyDeleteThat was an interesting article, and it made me kind of insane at how much we paid for my mother's cremation. No service, no nothing.
I watched a great documentary about this that PBS did and it was really compelling and made so much sense to me, already a convert to homebirth. There are even "death doulas" or thanadoulas who help families through this time with home death and burials. I am sure I will read up more on this as my parents age and as I start thinking about how I want my own death to play out.
ReplyDeleteI think there is an entire organization devoted to the rights and options of families to NOT use funeral homes, etc -- but I don't have time to look it up, sorry everyone!
Yes, Lauren, that PBS program is called "A Family Undertaking".
ReplyDeletehttp://www.pbs.org/pov/afamilyundertaking/
I recently met a man whose wife miscarried twice late in the pregnancies. With the first one, they were numb and devastated so didn't ask for their baby's body. With the 2nd one, they took the baby home and grieved. When they were ready, they walked to a favourite place on the beach, built a big fire and cremated the baby. . . that was something that had never occurred to me and I thought it very beautiful that they took charge under such terrible circumstances.
I think you might like to read this, about a family who brought their daughter's body home for a personal, and intimate funeral with friends: http://37days.typepad.com/37days/2006/11/forever_hold_yo.html
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the comments and links.
ReplyDeleteI think my mom would rather get rid of it, since hopefully it will be 30+ years until she needs a coffin!