I've written a few things recently about this topic in Thinking, no conclusions yet and Why does birth matter? (guest post). The comments sections in both posts are definitely worth reading.
Jane emailed me yesterday asking how to get her husband on-board and supportive of her plans for a natural birth. She's had three children, three epidurals (not super great ones, possibly because of her mild scoliosis), and two inductions. This time she wants to do things differently. Here's what she wrote:
So, I am getting sucked into these books. I read Baby Catcher first and thought it was fantastic! Then I tried Pushed and got bogged down in negative details. So I switched to The Thinking Woman's Guide, and loved how simple and informative it was. Now I wonder if I need a doula, and I have a bunch more questions for the midwife I just met (and liked) today; it's a midwife (8 of them)/OB (4 of them) practice and deliver in the hospital's birth center.What would you suggest for someone in her situation?
But my pressing question tonight is -- do you know of any natural childbirth podcasts and/or other resources for a father who doesn't seem very interested in or committed to supporting the laboring woman (me)? I will probably never succeed in making him understand why this is so important to me, but I wonder if you have any suggestions, because I need his unconditional support, even if he never truly understands.
I think this woman is right to suspect that she needs a doula for the type of support that she wants. Even the most intellectually on-board husband may not be able to be that 100% labor support you're hoping for the first time he sees natural childbirth. Rather than spending a lot of effort trying to get your husband up to speed as a doula, your time might be better spent getting yourself ready.
ReplyDeleteI find watching natural birth films together helps open up channels of communication.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great question! Taking a "natural birth" class really helped get my husband on board. Before that, he was pretty if-y. = /
ReplyDeleteHe was so supportive throughout my natural birth (at a hospital!).
Next time around, I want a home birth...I might need some major help getting him into that idea. But he knows its a non-negotiable!
Oh, I also had a doula. Can't imagine not having her there! She helped both of us A LOT.
ReplyDeleteI've never given birth, but having recently attended the birth of my nephew, it seemed that the presence of a doula was very helpful to both my sister and her husband. She was a coach to both of them - directly helping my sister cope with labor, and helping my brother-in-law support my sister most effectively. After witnessing the interaction, I'm completely sold on the value of doula support.
ReplyDeleteI've heard several women say that watching the movie "The Business of Being Born" helped their male partners better support them. I would also recommend the film "Pregnant in America."
ReplyDeleteLisa H.
There is the site "My OB said What?" which would provide good fodder for thought for expectant daddies. Talk about planting seeds of doubt re: institutional care!
ReplyDeleteThere is a DVD out there called "BEING DAD", which was made by men, for Dads, and gives a bit more of the male perspective. Might be a good option. I do think men are more open to learning when it is in a media format vs a book.
ReplyDeleteI think approaching it more from the viewpoint of how beneficial it is for the child is a really good way to go - my husband was so proud that our daughter din't come out all drowsy from an epidural, he told everyone about it. Begin by talking about how much more alert a baby is when there aren't drugs involved - about how much more peaceful of an entrance it can be (my baby didn't cry for 2 hours! She just fell asleep on us, it was the sweetest...) Continue with all the benefits... the safer way for baby to come in is not through a Csection, csection rates are higher with epis, etc...
ReplyDeleteAfter convincing the Dad to protect the baby, it is (in my experience, anyway..) pretty simple to go further into the benefits of natural support, etc. etc. and get him fully on board!
Certainly, as a doula, there are always ways a doula can help out at a birth, so this mom might want to trust her intuition and look into doulas. I guess, if I were a doula for this family, it would be important to understand where the divide exists, and why. Is dad afraid of med-free births? Is he afraid of letting mom down? Would he rather not be a source of physical an emotional support? Any of the above would be fine, but having that conversation would be important.
ReplyDeleteI would second The Business of Being Born as a good way to start the conversation. And then, maybe, start looking into a doula. However, if Dad is resistant to that as well, please tell the doula. It'll make her life so much easier.
And, finally, if you have't been to GOOD childbirth classes, go. That might open his eyes as well.
I was so blessed that I had a few friends who had done homebirths. The wives and I planned dinner and slyly had the husband who had experienced a homebirth share their opinion. It was amazing to see my husbands view change once he heard his friends talking about a homebirth.
ReplyDeleteI think her best bet is trying to normalize homebirth by making contact with other couples who have done it....that it's not just a crazy hippie thing to do. Now mu husband is proud to tell everyone how great homebirths are.
My husband let me go ahead and organise a home birth for our newest edition, when he was really not sold on the idea. (I was terrified of hospitals after my first birth and refused to go back.) We talked a lot about the reason for my choice, which was not just fear-based, but also a desire for a natural birth after suffering the ill effects of a medicated one. The two things that really helped him come around were:
ReplyDelete1. Watching videos with me. The Business of Being Born and Orgasmic Birth probably had the most impact.
2. Having someone besides me to give him the information. Our midwife was great at this. He really trusted her and because she didn't talk about things emotionally, like I couldn't help but do, he was much more receptive to hearing a professional giving him all the facts. I think men like that.
Ohh and how could I forget a really good childbirth class! That was crucial - the facts and statistics made a world of difference for my husband too.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the good ideas. I'll definitely have us watch the BBB movie, and I am pretty sold on the doula idea. For many reasons, not limited to wanting an experience/knowledgable/supportive WOMAN present, knowing my husband has other concerns (our other kids, who I'd like to have present -- they will be 9, 6, 4).
ReplyDeleteJust a couple things: my husband is not trying to talk me out of it (he would if I were interested in homebirth; we live too far for transfer, so I'm not considering that). He just doesn't see any reason to get all worked up. Our previous births were "good enough."
Amber mentions how her babies weren't drowsy, but neither were mine even with epidurals. I breastfed all three of them immediately after birth, and they seemed perfectly normal to me (of course I can't compare yet). So that just means it'll be hard to sell him on it being better for baby, bec. again, their Apgars (for e.g.) were all fantastic.
One thing I am interested in is whether not having an epidural would affect the timing of my milk coming in -- with all three it was day 5 before my milk was abundant. I had plenty of colostrum and (pre-milk?) before then, not needing to supplement or anything and fine weight gain, but I don't get engorged (and I always do, even with champion nursers) till about day 6/7.
(Maybe I have used the wrong terminology and understanding of breastmilk, but I read somewhere that an epidural can interfere. Perhaps my experience has been just completely normal and won't be different this time?)
ReplyDeleteOff the top of my head, epidurals do have some effects on breastfeeding (and they're incredibly complex and hard to measure), but I don't think they interfere with the timing of the milk coming in. I'd have to ask an IBCLC, though, because they would be up-to-date on the research on maternal medications and breastfeeding.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a IBCLC, but I am a CLC (counselor instead of consultant).
ReplyDeleteI pulled out a reference, and having mature milk by day 4-5 is normal. Going through transitional milk (it's still a little yellow)until then is completely normal.
The biggest issues with an epidural are that a) it can cause baby to have fewer milk stimulating motions and b)it can confuse the suck/swallow reflex. Not every mom has those issues, but it it fairly well documented.
And if you want the kids there, I would find SOME sort of class for them or some movies so they know what they are seeing. Some kids do OK, some don't. The first step is to see what they want to do...and then be prepared to need ANOTHER set of hands just to take care of the kids. You won't want to be worried about them.
These were things that helped with my husband. Most of them happened by accident (as in I didn't choreograph overheard conversations) and I didn't realize until later that they shaped his beliefs:
ReplyDelete1. He overheard conversations I had with other moms
2. One of my mom-friends who is older (50) sort of adopted my husband and always checked in with him through the pregnancy with fun/off-beat comments like "have you packed the Gatorade yet" or "a wooden spoon is great for massage in labor" or "make sure you walk her when labor starts"
3. Two husbands of my friends were totally chill about natural birth. They assured him "just roll with it"
4. I left some birth books in the bathroom by accident at first and then intentionally later. He came out of the bathroom one day and asked "Where's the farm?"
It's nice when the husband/partner is on board with the mom's birth wishes, but not always going to happen. He has to process his feelings about birth as well. I think we often forget that *because* they are not giving birth, yet are intimately connected to the mother's experience, they have a lot to figure out. He needs a doula as much as she does! lol Best wishes to them, and to all new parents.
ReplyDeleteIf your husband is a logical, planer, facts-oriented kinda guy, Marsden Wagner (a male OB) has some great writings on the value of natural birth to the baby and mom.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the Marsden Wagner rec. That (a male dr, sadly) might be especially helpful also for my father (a dr) and my brother who is a soon-to-be-father and in his third year of medical school. It might give my SIL some "leverage."
ReplyDeleteI liked Marsden Wagner's "Born in the USA" but it is so strong, so anti-obstetrics in many ways (and he's a perinatologist, so it's not like some random person ranting against doctors) that I wonder if it would just turn them off?
ReplyDeleteI'm curious to hear your thoughts about "Birth Reborn." Maybe that would be a better one for them to read. Again, it's coming from a male surgeon/OB, so there's some ethos there, but it's a very gentle, loving kind of book. Very opposite Wagner's ranting, expose kind of tone.
I've been speaking with my husband about his birth experience. As we reflect on his birth, we can see the impact his mother's pregnancy and his birth traumas (big and small) have had on his life. Rhese discussions have helped him become more engaged in co-envisioning the environment for our future child's birth.
ReplyDeleteAs an EFT practitioner, working with expectant moms and dads, I see repeatedly how our own birth experience impacts how we approach or avoid the topic of Birth and labor.
My husband really didn't care about how I was going to give birth. He came to pre-natal classes for the first one, and that ended with a scary, emergancy, forced removal (not c-section) delivery. I got even more committed to a gentle birth, but he just didn't care, and felt that the hospital was still safest, despite the way the delivery went before (I truly felt I had a midwife who believed in me, instead of a stranger on call...). So, I made sure that I could support myself in labour. I just decided that he'd be an observer (and also caretaker of older children). I REALLY wanted a doula, but he wouldn't pay, saying he was 'good enough the last time'. Ummm...saying "Are you okay?" with each contraction is NOT being a support person.
ReplyDeleteI did make it clear that I would not listen to negativity--while he didn't have to agree or understand me, he did have to just keep him mouth shut sometimes. There's a difference between apathy and negativity.
I would see if he would watch The Business of Being Born or something of that nature that showed birth in a different light than what he has seen. My husband looked at me like I had spots when I told him I wanted a natural birth after my medicated one. I don't think he really believe I would do it or if he wanted to be a part of it. Honestly I was scared to death thinking I would be left out to dry with no support. He did watch a few documentaries with me and kind of got the feel for why I wanted to do it, but he didn't want to read the father's instructions on being a labor coach or anything. But when the time came I had helped prepare me and him the best I could and I was very surprised at how well he did. He saw his wife in pain and instead of offering what he knew I didn't want- the epidural- he made it his job to try and alleviate my pain as best he could. The result was an awesome birth coach, an great birth experience and a very bonding experience for us as a couple. We love our first and second children the same, but we both agree that the emotion was higher and deeper the second time. I would ask him to watch or read what he is willing to read, try not to pressure too much and trust him to be there for you when you need him. He may just surprise you. There is my advice for Jane. :)
ReplyDeleteWell, I am actually in the process of writing a short e-book which would be perfect for her. I will let you know when it is free.
ReplyDeleteBut here is another free resource!
Short and Sweet!
http://www.childbirthconnection.org/pdfs/comfort-in-labor-simkin.pdf
My hubby was not into reading or watching videos at all. In order to keep us both on the same page I would recap all the info to him. I would say something like, "Did you know that cutting the cord early is really bad for the baby because they need to get all of the blood from the placenta..." He would walk away with the information but he didn't have to go through the work of attaining it. By the time my son was born, my husband was an expert on natural childbirth and he hadn't really done any research on his own!
ReplyDeleteRixa - Do you have sort of a "greatest hits" list of your blog entries that would help explain the benefits of natural childbirth/the problems with "managed" care?
ReplyDelete