Have you thought of it as a control issue? You have had an experience where you were totally in control, autonomous, and making your own decisions. And now it sounds with this particular midwife, you are going to have to give some of that decision making power to her because there will be things that she may not budge on. It's important to you that you are alone in the room, and she may not allow that to happen. Not only does that feel like your power is being taken from you, you may fear that her presence will alter your ability to birth in some way. I think I'm projecting my feelings on to you but I know that it's that reason that I would be uncomfortable with having a midwife. Maybe it's just what you've described to me about this particular midwife. Tell me if I'm wrong on that and I'll be quiet. My fears with having a midwife present are two-fold: I don't trust her to not take control of a situation in a way that overrides my autonomy. That of course is at the root of what I didn't like about my birth experience with my son and led me to consider a UC. I hated having to fight for the responsibility to make my own choices when I could choose to not have to face that fight at all.My core concerns center on autonomy and control--not control of the birth process itself, but control of my surroundings and those people around me. It's important that I can totally relax during labor and not worry about any externals. For me, I accomplish that through careful planning and control over my birth environment. In a way, I seek to control some things before labor so that I can give up control when labor begins.
Monday, January 19, 2009
I've been corresponding with my friend Jenne from Descent into Motherhood about my desires for this upcoming birth. We are both seeing a midwife and trying to decide what role we wish them to play in our upcoming births. She wrote to me yesterday something that perfectly sums up the root of my concerns: