Friday, March 20
We stumbled into our apartment this morning, jet-lagged and feeling like we had entered an alternate universe. The streets were silent and nearly empty. Just the occasional person walking their dog or buying groceries.
Our kids kept falling asleep all over the house--on the floor, leaning against the heater, on the couch. We finally woke everyone up and decided to organize all the Legos by color and function.
I've been feeling the stress in my body for about a week now. It usually manifests as pressure in my chest, like mild heartburn and, rarely, as brief panic attacks. Two years ago, when I started having panic attacks and had no idea what they were, I kept thinking I was having heart attacks. Fortunately I know what it is this time, but I still have to deal with intrusive thoughts. "What if I die of a heart attack? Is that twinge I'm feeling the onset of one? Should I go in and see someone?" Repeat ad infinitum...
Deciding whether to head back home to France or to stay in the US was difficult. We were looking at two situations, both of which carried (and continue to carry) risk.
A: Do we accept some elevated risk now (from the airline travel to France) in exchange for lower risk once we arrive? All of France is under strict lockdown, enforced by heightened policy and military presence.
B: Or do we stay in the US and delay the risk by a maximum of 6 weeks? We'd still have the risk of flying, just delayed by a matter of weeks. (Our temporary visa papers expire in early May, so we would have to return before then). The longer we stay in the US, the more likely we would be exposed to the virus, especially given the relative lack of controls on people's movement and behavior.
I counsel people all the time about balancing risk. With breech birth, you can choose to eliminate some risk in the short-term by doing a CS, but then you have to accept elevated short-term risk for yourself and elevated long-term risk for yourself and any future pregnancies. I was complaining to David Hayes, my co-instructor, about how this is REALLY HARD. There isn't a clear answer that is "safe."
He reminded me: "As a very wise woman I know says: 'You can defer a little risk, but you're only washing it down stream. You're going to have to swim in it somewhere.' "
When we left yesterday, most people were going about their normal lives. Sure, schools and eat-in restaurants had been closed in our state. But people were otherwise operating as normal: congregating in groups, sitting close together at restaurants. And I am terrified on the possibility of gun violence if the situation in the US becomes dire.
When I was in the Las Vegas airport, one man loudly complained about the governor of Illinois, who had just shut down all restaurants and bars in the state. "Those Democrats will do anything to take over our state! In my little town of 3,000 people, you can't even *get* a big crowd together. This is ridiculous!"
Said by an older, overweight man who is in a high-risk group if--or rather, when--he contracts the virus.
