Another reason to close up shop

In yesterday's discussion about family size, I left out one really big factor: how children affect a marriage. I'm not saying that having children makes me want to do something crazy like leave or get divorced or have an affair. But children can take a toll on relationships.

When I'm pregnant, nursing, and/or caring for little children all day, I have little emotional or physical energy left over for Eric. I'm touched out, I'm tired, and I definitely don't want to "give" any more after days full of giving and giving and giving. I tend to run away from physical touch, sexual or not. Some of it is due to the hormones of pregnancy and lactation, and the rest comes from the exhaustion of being on call night and day. It's a lot of work to connect with my spouse, and sometimes more work is the last thing I want.

I'm not generalizing this experience onto all couples. Eric has always had a higher need for physical touch and emotional connection than I have, even pre-children. Starting a family has just accentuated those differences between us.

So our decision about family size also includes the health of our marriage. If I have a fifth baby, it will be at least another 3-4 years before I'm done with the pregnant/frequent nursing/little baby stages. Whereas if I stop with this baby, about a year from now the baby will be (crossing my fingers) sleeping well at night, moving independently, starting to eat some solid foods, and playing with siblings.

I'd like to hear how you balance your relationship with your spouse/partner against the demands of raising children. How do you find time for emotional and physical connection, especially when one or both of you have little desire/energy? How have relationship concerns factored into your decision about family size?

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How do you know when you're done?

a.k.a.

Stop at Four or Have One More?

The question of being done having children never came up until this pregnancy. Eric is more than happy to close up shop--and he's volunteered to have a vasectomy whenever I ask. I don't have a strong feeling either way. We both grew up in big families. Eric was one of 7 children, and I was one of 5. I've always had this magic number in my head of a nice, big (but not TOO big) family. 3 kids definitely seemed way too small, 4-5 was just about right, and 6+ was way, way too many.

It's strange to think of being at the end of my childbearing years. I feel like I barely started! I know some women who absolutely know they're "done" and never look back. I don't know if I'll ever have that strong feeling. Instead, I'm just going to have to decide and go with it, as bittersweet as it might seem. I mean, it's really sad to think that this might be my last pregnancy, that it might be the last baby I ever nurse. 

I've really enjoyed the years of not trying and not preventing between Zari's birth and now. After "preventing" for 5 years, we then "tried" for several years before I got pregnant with Zari (up to and including IVF). I didn't mind being on birth control, but I hated those years of trying. My body naturally spaces children between 2 - 2 1/2 years apart, so we haven't felt the need to do anything in particular until now.

But I am definitely not okay just "letting things happen" indefinitely. My mom is turning 60 this year, and she STILL hasn't hit menopause! So I can't assume that my fertility will naturally wane in the near future. 

So it might be time to stop. I'm 34, Eric is 38. I don't feel old, but I certainly see the benefits of being a younger parent and grandparent. Eric is ready to move on to the next stage of our life. I'm not 100% certain that I am, but I am willing to take more long-term preventive measures in the meantime.

Here's our short- and long-term plan:

• Have an IUD placed some time before my fertility returns (probably around 8-10 months postpartum). I don't want anything I have to think about: no condoms, no pills, no diaphragms, etc. I'm definitely leaning towards the Mirena over the copper IUD. I really don't want heavier periods & cramps, which often happens with the copper IUD. 
• In a few more years, when we're really, truly sure we're done, Eric will have either a vasectomy or--if it's available by then--RISUG/Vasalgel. (RISUG is 100% effective, less invasive than a vasectomy, and reversible. Clinical trials have been going on in India for many years, and they will likely start this year in the U.S.) 

So tell me how you knew you were "done"? How did you and your spouse/partner come to this decision? What methods did you use for birth control? Did you change your mind down the road?

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Lactational Amenorrhea

A fancy name for something that has just come to an end for me: the suspension of menstruation due to breastfeeding. It's funny--Eric had a dream just a few days ago that my period came back. I was actually quite excited to discover today that my cycles have returned, 17 1/2 months after I gave birth. I would love for Zari to have many siblings, so the return of fertility is a very welcome change.

I was conceived when my mom was exclusively breastfeeding my 5-month old sister. The pregnancy came as a complete surprise since my mom had not yet had a period. I do know that most of us siblings slept through the night fairly early on, as evidenced by my mom's frequent asking "So is Zari sleeping through the night yet?" starting when she was about four months old. I suspect that the cessation of frequent night nursing explains why I was conceived when, stastically, I shouldn't have been!

Some information about Lactational Amenorrhea from Kellymom, much of which came from Jen O'Quinn's Natural Child Spacing and Breastfeeding:

The Exclusive Breastfeeding method of birth control is also called the Lactational Amenorrhea Method of birth control, or LAM. Lactational amenorrhea refers to the natural postpartum infertility that occurs when a woman is not menstruating due to breastfeeding...

Exclusive breastfeeding (by itself) is 98-99.5% effective in preventing pregnancy as long as all of the following conditions are met:

1. Your baby is less than six months old
2. Your menstrual periods have not yet returned
3. Baby is breastfeeding on cue (both day & night), and gets nothing but breastmilk or only token amounts of other foods...

You can achieve higher effectiveness by practicing ecological breastfeeding:

• keeping baby close
• breastfeeding on cue (day and night)
• using breastfeeding to comfort your baby
• breastfeeding in a lying-down position for naps and at night
• using no bottles or pacifiers

If you practice ecological breastfeeding:

• Chance of pregnancy is practically zero during the first three months, less than 2% between 3 and 6 months, and about 6% after 6 months (assuming mom's menstrual periods have not yet returned).
• The average time for the return of menstrual periods is 14.6 months.
• Moms whose cycles return early tend to be infertile for the first few cycles. Moms whose cycles return later are more likely to ovulate before their first period.

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