Jim Gaffigan on home birth and life with 4 kids

This had me laughing out loud:



"We had all our babies at home, just to make you uncomfortable."

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Something to make you laugh

This is what happens when my toddler skips her nap...

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Weird search terms

Over the past few weeks, I've complied a list of the weirder search terms people use to find this blog. The most common "normal" search terms are things you'd expect: what does giving birth feel like, breech birth, pregnant belly photos, etc.

Now onto the strange/funny ones. There are a lot of questions regarding poop and/or butts as they relate to childbirth.

• when constipated does passing a stool feel like child birth
• i feel like i have to poop, is that the babies head
• pooping while giving birth
• im birthing a child from my a$$

Odd things in the vagina...

• can a baby push down so much that it will be born premature?
• 31 week fetus head felt bulging in perineum
• is it normal to feel da baby move and something warm in my vagina area
• letting my child to play with my vagina

Other pregnancy & birth-related sensations

• labour feeling of bowling
• giving birth feels like you're dying
• why does childbirth burn
• what does my baby feel when i orgasm 

This falls into the "I really don't want to click on your search results" category

• lactation lust

How about combining these two: FLEXIBLE JAPANESE BABES DO SENSUAL ARMWRESTLING

• flexible Japanese babe
• sensual armwrestling

Good idea:

• effect of epitocyn on the baby (We now offer epidurals and Pitocin in one convenient injection, the "Epitocyn")

Bad idea:

• Successfully self inducing at 35 weeks

Huh?

• placenta phasia 
• stand and dilver (wanna dilver with me?)

These made me laugh:

• Pregnant women getting caught eating while in labor
• ridiculous birth plans (flattered to be #1 in google search for this one!)
• how 2 deliver d baby (#1: stop texting)
• closest feeling to labor for a guy
• why do i feel like i need a baby (I don't know, why do you?)

And my all-time favorite from a while back:

• can a vagina pickle a cucumber?

.

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SRSLY illustrated

My little brother created this for me:

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Pregnant pumpkin gives birth, nurses baby

Last year a pregnant pumpkin made a guest appearance on this blog.

I recently ran into her and asked how her labor went.

"Labor was intense but manageable," she told me. "I ignored contractions for as long as possible--I love being in denial! When I felt like I just couldn't take it any more, I got in the birth pool. It felt amazing.

"Soon I felt my body starting to push. It was like throwing up in reverse. There was nothing I could do to stop it. Pushing hurt more than I had expected, and at first I fought it. Of course that just made everything worse! But once I realized that I just had to go along for the ride, the baby moved lower and soon was crowning.

"Boy was that intense! I totally understand why it's called the ring of fire. You feel like you're going to split in half. But of course you don't!

"Right after the baby was born, I picked her up out of the water and pulled her to my chest. We snuggled skin-to-skin, which was indescribably sensual: warm silky baby on my bare chest, that newborn smell....mmmm...

"My baby nursed within the first hour and has been a happly little vampire baby, as we call her, ever since.

"She's now almost eight months old. I can't believe it's gone so quickly. She's already crawling and pulling herself up on furniture. I love nursing her, but I have to say those sharp teeth can hurt!"

.

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How not to increase your blog traffic

Send me this generic email. Forget to include your own website. Throw in a few misspelled words and grammatical errors for extra flavor.

I really like your blog "rixarixa" would you be willing to exchange blogroll links with me? I submit useful articles that are all hand written, and google has given me a really good page rank. Let me know if your interested by emailing me back. I will send the link to my site if you are interested. Thanks in advance.

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Worst of YouTube comments

Ahhh, YouTube. Unlike the intelligent & thoughtful discussions on this and many other blogs, YouTube  brings out the most idiotic/ridiculous/inane/perverted/crass comments. I've posted some of the "worst of" comments (mostly unpublished) on my YouTube video of Zari's first nursing. I've excluded ones that were violent, abusive, and/or really crass--and believe me, I get a LOT of them for this video.

So here goes...

From someone who didn't figure out that it was ME who put the video on YouTube. And who can't even be bothered to spell "you" and "your"

why would u put a video of ur wife nursing ur child???

From someone who can't spell or write a complete sentence. I hope our children are as dumb as we are (with 2 PhDs, 2 bachelor's degrees, and 3 master's degrees between the two of us).

Sick! The Dad sounds like a moron with that googol gaga baby talk. No wonder kids turn out to be dumb as rocks because thst what they learn from their parents. Ugh!!! 

From someone who took the time to watch the video:

noone wants to see this crap this isnt what youtube is about

I don't even know what to say about this one:

WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION! TOTALLY GROSS.DOGS DO THIS CRAP IN DARK ALLEYS.GO TO THE D*** HOSPITAL NEXT TIME.THEY GIVE YOU NICE DRUGS, AND WHEN YOU WAKE UP A BABY. ALL CLEANED UP AND READY TO ROLL!

At least this person tried to sound somewhat polite. Had they bothered to read the video's description, they would have learned that it's normal for a newborn's head to mold as it passes through the birth canal:

why does the baby's head look so strange .. no offence :S

This last conversation cracks me up. "Hypatience" first commented

This is so much better than the way babies are usually dealt with in the hospital. They take it away, manhandle it and leave it alone under a light while all these measurements,etc. are done. It doesn't have to be like that. They can clean the baby up later.

Then "CompuViz" wrote back:

@hypatience are you trying to say its not good practice to hygienically clean the baby first, to avoid any chances of infection with blood and all that baby or mother is covered with?

Not cleaning the baby is highly dangerous and can result in infection, I don't care about the weight and length, but wiping the baby with warm wet towel is very important for both mom/baby. Measurements are important if baby is not in healthy condition.

Yes, a mother and her newborn baby are breeding grounds for all sorts of horrible diseases and infections. But a wiping the baby with a "hygenic" warm wet towel (???) will magically make all of those nasty germs go away!

And don't forget those silly comments assuming I was the victim of domestic violence because I had some blood and vernix on me (from sweet little Zari's newborn body).

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Mexican sleeper terrorist anchor babies?

My husband was watching something online and laughing out loud every few minutes. He called me over and said, "You have to see this. Hey, you should blog about it!" So here goes:

What is the newest threat to our nation's security and freedom? Babies! Anchor babies! Mexican sleeper terror babies! Watch the (wickedly funny) Daily Show episode and roll your eyes over the following real-life quotes from the episode:

Unnamed lawyer: "I know it's babies we're talking about, and it's hard to be tough on babies, but let's remember--we're talking about illegal aliens coming to this country for the purpose of birthing a child. Not because they love the kid, but because they want that child to provide them with the benefits of US citizenship."

~~~~~

TV reporter asks Congressman Louie Gohmert: "Your theory is that Al-Qaeda will send a pregnant woman over here to have a baby and then start to train these babies to be terrorists? Is that right?"

Congressman Gohmert: "Well it's not just a theory..."

~~~~~

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC): "Birthright citizenship, I think, is a mistake. We should change our constitution and say that if you come here illegally and have a child, that child's automatically not a citizen. They come here to drop a child. It's called 'drop and leave.' "

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History moment: empty-headed midwives

Today's history moment comes from Dr. Eucharius Rösslin's wildly popular pregnancy advice book The Rose Garden for Pregnant Women and Midwives, published in 1513. He never attended a birth or even studied childbirth. But that didn't keep him from writing this lovely poem about baby-killing midwives.

I'm talking about the midwives all
Whose heads are empty as a hall
And through their dreadful negligence
Cause babies' death devoid of sense
So thus we see far and about
Official murder, there's no doubt.

Source: Get Me Out: A History of Childbirth from the Garden of Eden to the Sperm Bank by Randi Hutter Epstein, MD. 

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Grand finale

I came home from this evening's orchestra concern on a post-Beethoven high. There's nothing like playing Beethoven's 5th to get your muscles working and your spirits soaring. I was hoping for a nice relaxing evening. But instead, I found a string of posts that got me worked up all over again.

Jill at The Unnecesarean started it all with two posts: Stuff White People Like: Talking About Birth and Convincing White Women that Birth is Painless Will End 'Race Suicide'

Which got Reality Rounds' creative juices flowing with A Birth Blogger Rap

And our intrepid OB/GYN student over at Mom's Tinfoil Hat wrote three replies-turned-posts.
Reply turned post, need to walk away style
Reply turned post, Dr. Amy is still there? style
Reply turned post, Dr. Amy style

I am doing my best not to get sucked in...you know, like this person:

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How many midwives...?

...does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, according to Erik Lee in Bossy Midwives. Sometimes we just need to lighten up a bit when we talk about birth. I think you'll enjoy his thoughts. A teaser:

An anesthesiologist, an OB, and a midwife walked into a bar. The anesthesiologist ordered a pitcher of stout and a double burger; the OB ordered a Reuben and a bottle of red wine; the midwife ordered their biggest plate of steak and fries with a margarita. They all sat in a booth and shared war stories.

A long time passed, and the three realized something had gone wrong with their order. They decided to find out what the problem was. They found the busboy just behind the swinging double doors to the kitchen. He was struggling to get their overloaded cart from the tiled kitchen to the carpeted dining area. The wheels kept catching on the bump.

The anesthesiologist kneeled down and examined the tires. “You just need to inject something here in the back,” he announced. “Then everything will go better.”

The OB leaned down to look at the carpet. “This part of the carpet is blocking the cart,” he announced. “Give me a knife and I’ll just give it a little cut to help it along.”

The midwife leaned over to the busboy and whispered loudly in his ear, “You can do this! Just PUSH!”

Read the rest here.

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A few things to make you laugh

Labor Day cakes at Cake Wrecks, as compiled by Dou-la-la

A new blog called My OB Said WHAT?!? (also has obnoxious/mean/idiotic/silly comments by nurses and midwives)

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Breastfeeding news & humor

Marin County, CA, introduced a new breastfeeding ad campaign last week featuring lifesize cardboard cutouts of women nursing their babies. The women hold cards that say: "When breastfeeding is accepted, it won’t be noticed." Here are two photos of the nursing mothers (and the looks they've been getting from passers-by).


And now for some breastfeeding humor:

Nurse Lochia shares a breastfeeding ditty, sung to the tune of "Be Our Guest" from Beauty and the Beast.

See our breasts, see our breasts--
Everywhere, half-naked chests.
While we nurse,
The prudish curse
And wish we'd button up our vests.
Sorry, folks, look away
If we're too decollete,
but this is what boobs are made for,
Not those Wonderbras you've paid for.
We refuse to go feed
Hunched in bathroom stalls--indeed,
We're appalled that you would make such rude requests.
Would you agree to eat
Upon a toilet seat?
See our breasts, see our breasts, free our breasts!

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DIY home birth kit

This is what most people think of when they hear you're giving birth at home:



Thankfully it's not the reality.

I take no credit for this hilarious photo. I found it here.

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Pets and babies

I loved Aurelia Ann's post about The Latest in Baby Soothing Gear. The pictures are hilarious.

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Obstetrician Song

It's a riot!

Click here.

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Script for "Machine that goes Ping!"

ANNOUNCER: Part One: The Miracle of Birth.

[clunk]

[clunk]

[clunk]

[clunk]

OBSTETRICIAN: One thousand and eight!

NURSE #1: Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor!

OBSTETRICIAN: Good. Take her into the Foetus Frightening Room.

NURSE #1: Right.

[exciting music]

OBSTETRICIAN: Thum, thummm, thummm, thum, thummmm, thummmmmm. Thum, thummm. Thummm. Jolly good.

[music stops]

DOCTOR SPENSER: Bumm, bumm, bumm, bumm, bum--

OBSTETRICIAN: So, it's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Yes.

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse: the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.

NURSE #1: Yes. Certainly, Doctor.

DOCTOR SPENSER: And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'.

OBSTETRICIAN: And get the most expensive machines, in case the administrator comes.

[clunk]

[exciting music]

That's it. Bring in the other machines. Right over here.

DOCTOR SPENSER: [whistling]

OBSTETRICIAN: That's it. Just behind me.

[music stops]

Lovely. Lovely. Jolly good. That's better. That's much, much better.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Yeahhh, that's more like it.

OBSTETRICIAN: Eehhh. Still something missing, though.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Hm?

OBSTETRICIAN: Hmmm. Mmmmm.

[snap]

OBSTETRICIAN and DOCTOR SPENSER: Patient!

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Where's the patient?

OBSTETRICIAN: Anyone seen the patient?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Patient?

NURSE #1: Aah! Here she is.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Bring it over here.

[clank]

Mind the machines!

NURSE #1: Sorry, Doctor Spenser.

OBSTETRICIAN: Come along!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Come along.

NURSE #1: Jump up there. Up!

MRS. MOORE: Ehh.

OBSTETRICIAN: Hallo. Now, don't you worry.

DOCTOR SPENSER: We'll soon have you cured.

OBSTETRICIAN: Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Good-bye!

OBSTETRICIAN: Good-bye.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Drips up!

OBSTETRICIAN: Injections!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Can I put the tube in the baby's head?

OBSTETRICIAN: Only if I can do the episiotomy.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Okay.

OBSTETRICIAN: Okay. Uh, legs up! Doctor, come in. Come on in, all of you. That's it. Jolly good.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Come along.

OBSTETRICIAN: Come along. Spread 'round there. Uh, who are you?

MR. MOORE: I'm the husband.

OBSTETRICIAN: I'm sorry. Only people involved are allowed in here. All right.

MRS. MOORE: What do I do?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Mhm. Yes?

MRS. MOORE: What do I do?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Nothing, dear. You're not qualified!

OBSTETRICIAN: Leave it to us!

MRS. MOORE: What's that for?

OBSTETRICIAN: That's the machine that goes 'ping'.

[ping]

You see? That means your baby is still alive!

DOCTOR SPENSER: And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital!

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Aren't you lucky?!

NURSE #2: The administrator is here, doctor.

OBSTETRICIAN: Switch everything on!

[exciting music]

[ping]

MR. PYCROFT: Morning, gentlemen.

RANDOM: Morning.

MR. PYCROFT: Morning, gentlemen.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Morning!

OBSTETRICIAN: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.

MR. PYCROFT: Oh, very impressive. Very impressive. And what are you doing this morning?

[music stops]

OBSTETRICIAN: It's a birth.

MR. PYCROFT: Aahh. What sort of thing is that?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.

MR. PYCROFT: Wonderful what we can do nowadays.

[ping]

Aah! I see you have the machine that goes 'ping'. This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to, and that way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.

NURSE #1: Ooh, the vulva's dilating, doctor.

OBSTETRICIAN: Oh, yes, there's the head. Yes, four centimetres. Five-- Six centimetres.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Lights!

OBSTETRICIAN: Amplify the 'ping' machine.

[ping]

DOCTOR SPENSER: Masks up!

OBSTETRICIAN: Suction!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Eyes down for a full house!

OBSTETRICIAN: Here it comes!

BABY: [crying]

OBSTETRICIAN: And... frighten it! Thank you.

[whock]

DOCTOR SPENSER: And the rough towels!

OBSTETRICIAN: Show it to the mother. That's enough.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Right! Sedate her!

OBSTETRICIAN: Number the child.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Measure it, blood type it, and isolate it!

[whump]

NURSE #1: Okay.

[clap clap]

Show's over.

OBSTETRICIAN: Jolly good.

RANDOM: [mumbling] ...everyone.

OBSTETRICIAN: Jolly good.

MRS. MOORE: Is it a boy or a girl?

OBSTETRICIAN: Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? Now, a word of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression: 'P.N.D.', as we doctors call it. So, it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS, and Super Eight.

[ping]

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The machine that goes "ping!"

Sometimes comedy says it best. Thank you, Monty Python!

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