Oh Boy

I've got a bee in my bonnet over this incredibly myopic article about breastfeeding: "Nursing Mothers Don't Appeal to Everyone."

Here's a summary of his opinions (taken from one of the comments to the article):

1) "I don't like the way you eat, so you should eat in the bathroom."
2) "Mother's milk is like poop."
3) "Only brown people in third-world countries breastfeed."
4) "Some nursing mothers were rude to me after I gave them dirty looks."

I have lots of adjectives swimming around in my head to describe this man's attitude, but I had best not post them in a public forum.

I can't wait until Hathor the Cow Goddess gets her hands on this one.

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"Barbarians in Blogistan"

Apparently I am part of an ultra-extreme movement, according to a recent article in the Ottawa Citizen, "Barbarians in Blogistan." Here is what the author has to say about people who give birth at home without a paid attendant:

Then there are the medical amateurs, who conduct their own research, attempt to heal themselves on their own, and even give birth by themselves. Devotees of the "unassisted birth movement" hold that newborns should be delivered by the mother herself, without a doctor or midwife or doula present...Certainly, do-it-yourself ob-gyn is amateurism at its most extreme. The majority of the millions of amateurs out there are not far-out obsessives...

Sweet! Now I am a "far-out obsessive." I get a kick out of the idea that allowing an involuntary bodily function to happen is somehow extreme. Sure, DIY brain surgery would be extreme. Or for that matter, a DIY cesarean. Ouch!

But giving birth isn't something you do; it's something you simply let be. For almost all labors, nothing needs to be "done." You just stand aside and enjoy the ride. Dutch obstetrician (and ardent midwifery and homebirth supporter) Gerrit-Jan Kloosterman agrees:

Spontaneous labour in a normal woman is an event marked by a number of processes so complicated and so perfectly attuned to each other that any interference will only detract from the optimal character. The only thing required from the bystanders is that they show respect for this awe-inspiring process by complying with the first rule of medicine--nil nocere [do no harm].

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Spring is coming!

...and I just put syrup taps into our maple tree. The sap is finally flowing after a long cold spell. I rigged up some plastic tubing so that the sap flows through the tubes & through the lid of the collection bucket. That way miscellaneous things like twigs or bugs can't get in.

Zari has figured out how to grab things and put them in her mouth. Fingers are a favorite--hers or ours. She also likes playing with small stuffed toys, which means we have to tell Zeke all the time: "no, not for you."

A friend lent me a play gym for Zari. She likes to bat the toys around and--of course--put them in her mouth.

I just started putting Zari on her Baby Bjorn Little Potty this week, and she LOVES it! She used to fuss frequently when I peed her over the toilet. Now, she sits contentedly on the potty, kicking her legs and looking around. We are doing even better with EC because she will happily go whenever I offer.

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Cross-nursing

I just came across a few interesting articles about cross-nursing (nursing other people's babies): "Breast Friends" and a response to the article: "She Breastfed My Son." I also found this British article called "Not Your Mother's Milk."

I've never thought it was weird, but I guess some people really freak out at the idea. My little sis in fact has a good friend due around the same time, and they've talked about nursing each others' babies if the need arises. For example, if they are watching each others' kids and the other baby becomes hungry, they will simply nurse the baby!

It's something I wouldn't do with a stranger or casual acquaintance, for health reasons. But with close friends or siblings, I wouldn't even blink if they asked me to. In fact I would be honored.

Donating breastmilk is similar, but since it's not given directly from the source, people don't have as much of the "yuck" reaction.

Would you do this for a friend or sibling? Would you mind if your friend nursed your own baby?

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Mmmmmilk! and other pictures

What I pumped a few mornings ago...I often get 6-8 oz during my morning pumping session, after Zari is done nursing.

Doing pushups

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Musings on Love

The love I have for Zari is unlike anything else. My love for my family members is an undercurrent that never disappears, but it often gets lost beneath the flow of activities and wildly different personalities jumbled together. With my husband, my love takes on changing forms. Of course there’s romantic love. It’s important but certainly not the foundation of a marriage, as movies make it out to be. Sometimes it’s a deep sense of friendship and camaraderie. I notice this most when we’re working on a project together: perhaps repainting our guest cottage or assembling an oil filtration system for our Greasecar. At other times it’s a raw sharing of our innermost selves. Occasionally our love manifests itself as irritation or annoyance when we try to imprint our wills too strongly on the other person.

With Zari, I just love her. Deeply and simply. To say “I feel love for her” is inaccurate. When we feel something, it implies that there is an object outside or separate from ourselves: I feel the wind on my face. My love for Zari is unlike any other. I don’t have to work on it, like I do with my family. It doesn’t take on changing forms, as with my husband. It just is. It always will be. That love cannot be separated from my existence.

Our physical link began to end when we cut her cord 2 ½ hours after she was born. As long as she nurses, we will not have severed those ties completely. But the love I hold for her—the love that is part of me, that is me—will forever keep me bound to her.

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Laughing!

I caught a laugh on camera! I actually took a better video of her cracking up yesterday but I accidentally erased it.



Zari got sick again last night--what gives? It's a bit of a fever and congestion. I am wiped out. The only way she would sleep was with me holding her hands, and with one of my knuckles touching her lips. She didn't want to suck on my finger, just have it touching her lip. Weird. So I was pretty stiff by morning. I think I'm getting what she has, but it could just be from not getting enough sleep.

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Ear update

We had a followup visit to check on Zari's eardrum, and it is completely healed. She's also gaining weight nicely--a little over 14 pounds now!

I shall procrastinate no longer and get back to work on my dissertation!

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I am selfish

Another response to an anonymous comment that "in my opinion unassisted birth is not only dangerous but selfish."

I am selfish. I admit it.

I am selfish because I want a birth experience that leaves me feeling fulfilled as a mother, that gives me confidence and joy.

I am selfish for giving birth at home, because I want to minimize the chances that my newborn will acquire an infection. Infection rates of newborns are many times higher in hospitals than at home. (1)

I am selfish because I want to avoid an unnecessary cesarean section; healthy women birthing at home have average cesarean rates of 1 to 4%, compared to around 20% in healthy women birthing in hospitals.

I am selfish because I do not want my vagina cut open by scissors (the nationwide episiotomy rate is STILL around 30%) or my belly cut open by knives. I have a 60% chance of acquiring a surgical wound if I give birth in a hospital.

I am selfish because I would prefer not to have to go into labor, pack my bags, get in the car, drive to the hospital, check in, sign consent forms, refuse the standard hospital procedures, and fight for what I want—all while giving birth to a baby.

I am selfish because I do not want to be separated from my baby. I want to hold my baby as soon as she is born. I do not want her to be taken from my arms to be weighed and measured, injected and bathed. I am selfish because I want to nurse her freely, without interruption.

I am selfish because I want to be washed in a “cocktail of love hormones,” to borrow a phrase from the French obstetrician Michel Odent. These hormones—endorphins, oxytocin, and prolactin—are released in full force only to women birthing without medications, in safe and private environments. Narcotics, anesthesia, surgery, and even high levels of stress and adrenaline inhibit the release of these hormones.

I am selfish because I want my baby to be born into her parents’ hands and to know only the safety and warmth of our arms. I want her be born in an atmosphere of love and ecstasy.

I am selfish because I want to avoid postpartum depression. Women who birth at home have much lower rates of postpartum depression. (2, 3)

Sometimes we need to be selfish.

(1) Mehl, L., Peterson, G., Shaw, N.S., Creavy, D. (1978) "Outcomes of 1146 elective home births: a series of 1146 cases." J Repro Med. 19:281-90
(2) Jones, Carl. Alternative Birth. Los Angeles: Jeremy P. Tarcher, 1990 p. 24.
(3) Kitzinger, Sheila. Home Birth. London: Dorling Kindersley, 1991 p. 193.

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"It is none of your business"

In response to one of the anonymous comments to "Four out of Five":

I care a great deal about what happens to women giving birth. I care that over 30% of American women today have major abdominal surgery in order to have a baby, because most of those surgeries are preventable.

I care because cesarean sections have a huge host of risks to both mother and baby. Here is a short list of some of the risks of cesarean sections, from the International Cesarean Awareness Network:

A cesarean section is major abdominal surgery with all that entails. The surgery itself, as opposed to medical problems that might lead to a cesarean increases the risk of maternal death, hysterectomy, hemorrhage, infection, blood clots, damage to blood vessels, urinary bladder and other organs, postpartum depression, post traumatic stress syndrome, and rehospitalization for complications. Potential chronic complications from scar tissue adhesions include pelvic pain, bowel problems, and pain during sexual intercourse. Scar tissue makes subsequent cesareans more difficult to perform, increasing the risk of injury to other organs as well as placenta previa, placenta accreta, infertility, ectopic pregnancy, uterine rupture in subsequent pregnancies and the risk of chronic problems from adhesions. There are also risks to the baby such as respiratory distress syndrome, prematurity, lower birth weights, jaundice, lower APGAR scores (APGAR is the means of assessing the health status of a newborn), and finally in 1 to 9 percent of cases the baby is scarred or even maimed by the scalpel.

I care because there are better ways of doing birth. Three of the four women did not desire a cesarean. Now they are dealing with the aftermath of the surgery. They will always live with their scars and their emotional wounds.

I care because a 30% nationwide cesarean rate is an incredible waste of medical resources. It is indicative of an obstetrical care system that has failed women.

I care because it is so hard to be "allowed" to have a vaginal birth after cesarean in this country. Many hospitals do not allow VBACs--which is ridiculous, because how can you outlaw an involuntary bodily function? The first cesarean often dooms women to repeats, unless she does an extraordinary amount of research and makes choices that are socially frowned upon--such as hiring a midwife for a homebirth, or birthing unassisted.

I care because my friend (woman #4) loves her baby, but hates everything about his birth. She has told me that she feels violated by what happened to her. It IS my business to care.

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Script for "Machine that goes Ping!"

ANNOUNCER: Part One: The Miracle of Birth.

[clunk]

[clunk]

[clunk]

[clunk]

OBSTETRICIAN: One thousand and eight!

NURSE #1: Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor!

OBSTETRICIAN: Good. Take her into the Foetus Frightening Room.

NURSE #1: Right.

[exciting music]

OBSTETRICIAN: Thum, thummm, thummm, thum, thummmm, thummmmmm. Thum, thummm. Thummm. Jolly good.

[music stops]

DOCTOR SPENSER: Bumm, bumm, bumm, bumm, bum--

OBSTETRICIAN: So, it's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Yes.

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse: the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.

NURSE #1: Yes. Certainly, Doctor.

DOCTOR SPENSER: And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'.

OBSTETRICIAN: And get the most expensive machines, in case the administrator comes.

[clunk]

[exciting music]

That's it. Bring in the other machines. Right over here.

DOCTOR SPENSER: [whistling]

OBSTETRICIAN: That's it. Just behind me.

[music stops]

Lovely. Lovely. Jolly good. That's better. That's much, much better.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Yeahhh, that's more like it.

OBSTETRICIAN: Eehhh. Still something missing, though.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Hm?

OBSTETRICIAN: Hmmm. Mmmmm.

[snap]

OBSTETRICIAN and DOCTOR SPENSER: Patient!

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Where's the patient?

OBSTETRICIAN: Anyone seen the patient?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Patient?

NURSE #1: Aah! Here she is.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Bring it over here.

[clank]

Mind the machines!

NURSE #1: Sorry, Doctor Spenser.

OBSTETRICIAN: Come along!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Come along.

NURSE #1: Jump up there. Up!

MRS. MOORE: Ehh.

OBSTETRICIAN: Hallo. Now, don't you worry.

DOCTOR SPENSER: We'll soon have you cured.

OBSTETRICIAN: Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Good-bye!

OBSTETRICIAN: Good-bye.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Drips up!

OBSTETRICIAN: Injections!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Can I put the tube in the baby's head?

OBSTETRICIAN: Only if I can do the episiotomy.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Okay.

OBSTETRICIAN: Okay. Uh, legs up! Doctor, come in. Come on in, all of you. That's it. Jolly good.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Come along.

OBSTETRICIAN: Come along. Spread 'round there. Uh, who are you?

MR. MOORE: I'm the husband.

OBSTETRICIAN: I'm sorry. Only people involved are allowed in here. All right.

MRS. MOORE: What do I do?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Mhm. Yes?

MRS. MOORE: What do I do?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Nothing, dear. You're not qualified!

OBSTETRICIAN: Leave it to us!

MRS. MOORE: What's that for?

OBSTETRICIAN: That's the machine that goes 'ping'.

[ping]

You see? That means your baby is still alive!

DOCTOR SPENSER: And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital!

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Aren't you lucky?!

NURSE #2: The administrator is here, doctor.

OBSTETRICIAN: Switch everything on!

[exciting music]

[ping]

MR. PYCROFT: Morning, gentlemen.

RANDOM: Morning.

MR. PYCROFT: Morning, gentlemen.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Morning!

OBSTETRICIAN: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.

MR. PYCROFT: Oh, very impressive. Very impressive. And what are you doing this morning?

[music stops]

OBSTETRICIAN: It's a birth.

MR. PYCROFT: Aahh. What sort of thing is that?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.

MR. PYCROFT: Wonderful what we can do nowadays.

[ping]

Aah! I see you have the machine that goes 'ping'. This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to, and that way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.

NURSE #1: Ooh, the vulva's dilating, doctor.

OBSTETRICIAN: Oh, yes, there's the head. Yes, four centimetres. Five-- Six centimetres.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Lights!

OBSTETRICIAN: Amplify the 'ping' machine.

[ping]

DOCTOR SPENSER: Masks up!

OBSTETRICIAN: Suction!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Eyes down for a full house!

OBSTETRICIAN: Here it comes!

BABY: [crying]

OBSTETRICIAN: And... frighten it! Thank you.

[whock]

DOCTOR SPENSER: And the rough towels!

OBSTETRICIAN: Show it to the mother. That's enough.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Right! Sedate her!

OBSTETRICIAN: Number the child.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Measure it, blood type it, and isolate it!

[whump]

NURSE #1: Okay.

[clap clap]

Show's over.

OBSTETRICIAN: Jolly good.

RANDOM: [mumbling] ...everyone.

OBSTETRICIAN: Jolly good.

MRS. MOORE: Is it a boy or a girl?

OBSTETRICIAN: Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? Now, a word of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression: 'P.N.D.', as we doctors call it. So, it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS, and Super Eight.

[ping]

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Four out of five

I have decided to remove the original post since it has hurt some people deeply...I am quite sorry.

I hope my readers will understand that my dislike of a high cesarean rate does not mean I dislike, or judge, or feel superior to women whose babies are born that way. Not at all! I understand that a cesarean section can be the best choice for some women. For others it isn't their first choice, but not overly traumatic either. But I am writing for those women who feel deeply wounded by their surgeries, who feel violated on a day that they wanted to be one of joy and empowerment.

Let me end with this thought: for women who want a cesarean section, it is reasonably easy to find a doctor to agree to it. But for women who do NOT want one--for example, those with a breech presentation or those who want a VBAC--it can be nearly impossible to find a care provider who will support them. By advocating for this last group of women, I am not at all trying to take away the options from the first group.

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The machine that goes "ping!"

Sometimes comedy says it best. Thank you, Monty Python!

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Recycling and swimming

I met with a group of moms this Friday for a playgroup at a big indoor water playground. Zari was probably a bit too young to appreciate it, but it was nice to get out of the house. We've had sub-zero temperatures at night and barely above zero during the day.

It's interesting how gendered these things are. I saw one father in the entire pool area; the other 20 or so parents were all moms. Eric said he might come next time and shake things up a bit, since he only teaches on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

The night before, I made Zari two swimming outfits, one recycled and one new. First, I took a pair of Eric's old swim trunks, cut them apart, and made a new pair for Zari. They are super cute, but of course everyone thinks she is a boy when she wears them. It's not like Eric has hot pink swim trunks lying around!


I also made her a swim diaper out of some leftover materials:

Since we are doing EC, I peed her before she went in the pool and didn't bother with the swim diaper.

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Interesting film

There's a documentary coming out this year called Pregnant in America. I just watched the trailer and am intrigued.

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Snowed in

We got a huge dump of snow yesterday. School is canceled, so we've been sitting around the house enjoying a lazy day. Eric read Zari some books, which she quite enjoyed. You can hear her talking away.

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Pumping!

I have been pumping extra milk starting in early January, after I received a request for breastmilk for a mom going on some temporary medications. I didn't have any milk set aside at the time, but thought it would be a good idea. Since then, my freezer stash has been growing slowly. Since breastmilk stays good for 3-6 months in an upright freezer, I have been wanting to find a home for it soon. I looked into donating via Milkshare, but it would be a huge hassle to ship.

On Sunday, my problem was solved! There's a couple in our church who have been trying to adopt, and they just found out they're getting a baby, and soon. The birth mother is due in early April, but her other 2 kids both came six weeks early. So it could be any day now. I had talked to the woman a few weeks ago about donating my milk if she wanted it. She approached me yesterday and said they'd love to use it!

So I am motivated to keep pumping. I'd like to get at least 8 oz extra per day if I can.

By the way, does anyone have an idea of how much breastmilk a newborn eats per day? When you're breastfeeding you don't think about those kind of things!

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Good news & bad news

Bad news first:

Zari has a ruptured eardrum. Well, technically the doctor couldn't see the eardrum because her ear was so full of discharge. But she said that based on how much gunk there was, it had most likely ruptured. She prescribed antibiotic eardrops, which I am okay with using. She initially suggested oral abx, because there aren't many drops approved for infants under 6 months, but I told her I didn't want to do that unless it was very very serious. So I am hoping that the drops work to clear up the infection.

Good news: Zari weighs 13 lbs 6 oz. It's right about what I had guessed based on our very cheap bathroom scale.

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Sad baby, again

Zari is really sick but we can't figure out what is wrong. No outwards symptoms like fever, congestion, vomiting, etc. It started last evening--she became super fussy. Then she was up most of the night crying. The only thing that helped was nursing. So guess what I did all night? Anyway I am sore from staying in one position all night, and tired from being awake. She's been sleeping a lot, nursing a lot, and crying a lot. And she HAS to be held all the time. Well she needs to nurse again. This is not fun for either of us.

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More Then & Now Pictures

Zari at 5 days, 2 months 4 days, and 3 months 6 days.

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Feeling sentimental

I just packed away Zari's 0-3 month clothes. Most of them still fit, but barely, so I decided to start using the next size up. Here is a picture of her beside a premie outfit she wore for the first few weeks.

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Family portraits

We took some family pictures over Christmas. They turned out quite well. Who knew that we had a great photographer in our little town?

Me & my sisters. I also have a 19 year old brother.

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Talking (kind of)

Zari has started "talking" and we caught some of it on video. She's also taken up a new hobby: staring at our Dalmatian.

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Sleeping siblings

Calling them siblings is a bit of a stretch, but I liked the alliteration...

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Stay-at-home-parent advice needed

A good friend of mine recently moved to another state and became a full-time SAHM. She has 2 young children and a third on the way. She's finding it challenging at times, and I offered to solicit some advice for her. Here's what she has to say:

SAHM-ing is really tough. I didn't think it would be so hard, but I haven't yet figured out a good system. I get frustrated really quickly, and can't seem to get much done. We usually do some sort of activity (park, zoo) mid-morning -- maybe 3 times a week? But besides that, I'm kind of lost. I think I have to come up with a better routine. It's sad, but I don't actually enjoy my kids right now -- I mean I love them dearly, they amaze me, but I haven't figured out a way to just plain enjoy being with them 24-7. I keep hoping as we get more settled it'll all smooth out.

Please share your wisdom and tricks of the trade!

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Nursing Acrobatics

I woke up this morning with a tennis-ball sized lump in my left breast, and a nasty red patch on the skin. Yes, it was a plugged duct and possibly mastitis. A phone call to my local LLL leader gave me some great ideas. The funniest--and most effective one--was to nurse Zari upside down so her chin would point towards the affected area. So I plunked Zari on the bed, got on my hands and knees over her, bent down, and latched her on. I think she was a bit surprised but she gave it a go for a few minutes. When she was done I pumped upside down for about 20 minutes and voila! The duct was unplugged. What relief!

I really really don't want to have mastitis so I am taking it easy today--no lap swimming especially. I need a good book to read...

Zari is feeling much better and back to her normal exuberant self. She laughed for the first time today--a full-out belly laugh! Eric was holding her, and I was putting my hair in a ponytail and saying something about nursing her. Apparently that was hilarious.

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Sad baby

Something is hurting Zari, but we can't figure out what. No fever, no congestion, no rash, no outward signs of any illness or injury. But she seems very sensitive around her ears and the back of her head, and she cries like crazy if she gets bumped there. I've been spending most of yesterday and today nursing her. So things might be a bit calm around the blog for a while...

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Time lapse pictures

While I was editing some photos for Zari's memory book, I put together "time lapse" pictures of my growing belly. Here are ones starting at about 27 weeks pregnant (i.e., 25 weeks gestation). The very last picture was taken 3 days before Zari was born.

27.2, 30.5, & 33 weeks pregnant

34.3, 35.4, & 37.4 weeks

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First Impressions

I first encountered the idea of unassisted childbirth (UC) about 3 years ago. I was at a state midwifery meeting, and one of the midwives mentioned she was very interested in and supportive of unassisted birth. At the time, I had just come across homebirth midwifery and was in love with the idea. I thought that giving birth without any attendant was pretty strange, not to mention dangerous and scary.

I kept reading about unassisted birth and coming across unassisted birth stories. They were consistently the most powerful, inspiring, and empowering. The kinds of births narrated in the stories resonated to my core, even more than midwife-attended homebirth stories.

Over the past 3 years I have also worked as a doula, apprenticed with one midwife, and assisted another. I saw what some UC advocates have mentioned: disturbing amounts of interference even at home births. Now, not every homebirth was like this. But I realized that we have to pick homebirth midwives as carefully as any other birth attendant. They can say all the right things--birth is natural, I'll only intervene when necessary, women's bodies are made to give birth--but we have to really find out if their actions match their rhetoric.

The realization that I wanted to birth at home unassisted, rather than with a midwife, came gradually. After we moved a year and a half ago, I learned that homebirth midwives were very difficult to find in our new state. Now, had I really wanted a midwife I could have found one. But I knew that even if I was able to locate them, I might not click with any of them, or they might not feel comfortable with my wishes for the birth. I knew that if I hired a midwife, I would request that she stay downstairs the entire time unless I specifically asked for assistance. No heart tones, no vaginal exams, no catching or monitoring the baby. Basically I didn't want to know she was there.

Once I became pregnant last winter, I just felt no desire at all to hire a midwife. The idea didn't feel right to me anymore. I said to myself, "well, we'll be working in France for a few months over the summer. I will just do things on my own until I get back. Then if I feel like having a midwife, I will look for one." I left; I came back, about 6 months pregnant. I still didn't feel drawn towards having a midwife, so inertia carried me to the end of my pregnancy. I half-heartedly talked with two other midwives in my area, in the process of helping friends who were searching for alternatives to hospital births.

I continued to wonder if I should find a midwife, but it never felt right. However, I also wanted to have other options if birth threw me a curve ball. I'd far rather "transfer" to a homebirth midwife, than to a hospital. As it turns out, I gave birth at 38 weeks, so that solved my dilemma!

I'd like to hear your stories about how you first heard about unassisted birth, what you initially thought, and whether or not that has changed. Please share!

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Simplifying

A post unrelated to birth...

I recently came across this blog about downsizing and simplifying, called Changing Rhythm. I liked their pledge, especially the rules about buying things (or rather, trying not to unless really necessary!). I sat down with my husband last night and talked about adopting some of these into our own life.

Here are some lifestyle & financial guidelines we wrote down. Some are shamelessly borrowed from the blog. Now, many of these things we already do to some extent, but I wanted to articulate them so we can be more consistent.

• Buy everything (barring food, medication, and health related products such as soap, toothpaste, etc.) used if at all possible.
• Only buy a product that replaces something we already own that has worn out.
• Anything that does not meet the previous two criteria, will require both our approval and a mandatory 2-week waiting period (to ensure need versus want).
• Purge our home of all unused, unwanted, or extraneous clutter.
• Cook one meal per week using items from food storage (we have a 1 year's supply of food stored in our basement).
• Spend under $200/month on groceries.
• Only grocery shop from a list.
• Invest money regularly for retirement.
• Each of us receives $10/month of “mad money” for frivolous expenditures (snacks, clothes, etc). These do not need approval from the other person.
• Keep a list of necessary upcoming expenditures.
• Eat out no more than once every month.

Last spring we converted our VW diesel Golf to run on used vegetable oil, which we get free from our local Chinese restaurant. We bought the conversion kit from Greasecar. The Golf already gets around 50 mpg, and now it's carbon-neutral, since plants use more CO2 to grow than is released when their oil is burned. We love our Greasemobile!

We live in a small town of 5,000 people, so we only drive to go to church (20 miles away) or big shopping trips. My husband works at a liberal arts college that is 4 blocks from our house. Our library, post office, grocery store, hardware store, thrift store, bike path, community hospital, etc are all within easy walking distance. (Okay, I admit that I drive to the grocery store when it's cold out.) Sometimes our town is a bit too sedate, but it's a good place for daily life.

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Recycling

I cut apart a few of our old t-shirts and turned them into summer onesies for Zari. We'll be working in France again this summer, so we thought we'd make Zari her own "staff" shirts, to match ours!

I bought a onesie pattern and modified it to have a bottom snap crotch opening, rather than snaps going down the front.

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Padded pouch sling instructions

What you need:

• fabric: 23” wide and approx 60” long. I prefer to use medium weight woven fabrics. You can use ones with a slight bit of stretch—just make sure the more stretchy part goes crosswise across the rectangle, rather than lengthwise. Some people also make these out of fleece, although I don’t have experience working with that fabric
• thread
• some cotton or polyester batting, approximately 24” long and 4” wide

1. Measure from the outside of your shoulder, to the opposite hip. The measurement should be somewhere between 20-30 inches.

2. Trim your fabric to be exactly 23” wide. Fold the length of fabric in half lengthwise, then in half crosswise. Line up the 2 folded edges on the bottom and left.

3. Add about 4” to your measurement. Mark that number (A) on the bottom folded edge.

4. Draw a gentle curve upwards from that mark 3” inwards, and 11 ½” upwards, to point B. Leave the last inch straight, to make hemming easier.

5. Cut along the curved line. When you unfold your fabric, it will make a long rectangle with gently curved ends.

6. Join the curved ends with a French seam:

Put WRONG sides together, matching the curved ends. Sew a ¼” seam. Press open, then flip to the other side. Then sew RIGHT sides together with a 3/8” seam. Press the seam to one side. Stitch the seam down near the edge—this gives the seam extra strength.

7. Hem one of the edges of fabric: press ¼”, turn again and press 3/8”, then stitch.

8. On the other unhemmed edge, press the edge under about ¾”. Fold the batting so it makes a long roll about 1” wide. I usually make my batting between 20-24” long. Center the batting strip on the French seam. Tuck under the ironed edge, then fold the edge and the batting over again and pin in place. Stitch across and up the sides of the batting to hold in place.

9. Press and stitch the rest of the padded edge.

10. For wearing instructions, go to www.hotslings.com.

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If breastfeeding is natural...

"...then why is it so hard?"

A question many people ask, and frankly I don't have answers to. My own experience breastfeeding has been flawless. Can I attribute that to good luck? good karma? good boobs? good education?

I did educate myself a LOT about breastfeeding before I gave birth. I read Jack Newman's book The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers twice, and watched several video clips on his website to know how to get a proper latch, and what it should look and feel like. I also had a completely uninterrupted third stage and was able to breastfeed immediately for as long as Zari wanted to.

However, I know many women who have similarly prepared themselves, had fantastic unhindered births, and then had tremendous difficulties nursing--baby losing weight, painful latch, bleeding nipples, you name it. So to say that education and preparation will ensure a smooth nursing relationship is obviously too simplistic.

We could ask the same question about giving birth, actually: if giving birth is natural, why is it so dysfunctional today? Why do over 30% of women have cesareans? Why are so many women's labors induced or augmented?

Do you see parallels between breastfeeding and giving birth? What accounts for the high rate of "failed" or struggling breastfeeding? Let's discuss!

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The elusive smile

Just a short video of me trying to get Zari to smile. Of course right afterwards she gave me a big grin.

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Pouch slings

My new favorite.

I just made one for Zari this morning. They are very snug, very sleek, and let the baby face outward. Now that Zari can hold her head up and look around, I think she will really like it. You can't see the entire sling in the picture I took, but it is exactly the same style as the ones sold by Hotslings.

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Seeing spots

This picture makes me laugh...we got a Dalmatian blanket for Christmas from my husband's parents, so I threw our dog, the blanket, and Zari in her Dalmatian diapers on the bed and snapped this photo. She really isn't a monster huge baby--the angle just makes her look like she weighs about 20 pounds.

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Thoughts on "Shame"

I was quite surprised by the level of emotion that post evoked, and I wanted to share some more of my thoughts.

First, I regret that it turned a bit into a rag on my mom. I was worried that would happen and almost didn't publish that post for that very reason. My mom is really an extraordinary woman. Anyone who can double major in English and biology, commute 4 hours a day on public transportation, and be pregnant at the same time deserves applause. I should have been more careful in how I worded my post. (Mom, if you're reading this, I'm glad you're reading my blog and I am sorry if some of the discussion veered away from its original path.)

Second, let me summarize some fascinating questions the discussions raised:

• Does nudity always have the potential to become pornography? In other words, is pornography in the eye of the beholder, or in the eye of the creator?
  
• Is breastfeeding openly in public a sexual (ie, provocative, inappropriate) act? And why does our society see it as such?
  
• Does covering up reinforce the taboo on breastfeeding? Do you prefer to cover up or not? Is covering up being prudish? respectful? etc...
  
• What are the dangers of posting intimate pictures, such as ones of breastfeeding and birthing, on the internet? Several comments alluded to such dangers, but only in a general fashion.
  

I, for one, will continue to breastfeed "indiscreetly." I feel quite strongly that masking the act with a blanket reinforces the notion that it is something to hide, something inappropriate for public view. I also think that covering up draws more attention to the act, than simply nursing openly.

The first memory I have of "indiscreet" breastfeeding is when I visited Germany in 9th grade. My host mother lifted her shirt and nursed her baby. At one point that baby bit her, and she said something like "ouch, that hurt!" (in German of course). The other family members acted very matter-of-fact, even though you could see her breast. After a few seconds, I was like "okay, that's what they're for anyway, I'm cool." And that was that. I took my cue from the others around me; since they seemed completely unfazed by the sight of an exposed breast, I learned to do the same. Voila! Another public nurser was born.

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EC Update

Can I just say I love elimination communication? It's going quite well with Zari. Most days, if I am paying attention, I catch almost everything. If I am occupied with other things, we have more misses but since she wears her cloth diapers as backup, it doesn't bother me too much. I do EC based mainly on timing right now. As babies get older, they often start cueing when they have to go, first by body signals and later by signing or speaking.

So, here's how I do it:

1. Every time she wakes up from nap, I hold her over a receptacle and make the cueing sound ("pssssssss"). She usually pees and often poos as well.
2. Either before nursing, or after she eats on one side, I do the same thing.
3. At night, she is usually dry when she wakes up to nurse. I nurse her on one side, burp her, then potty her. She will go once she wakes up enough; sometimes I have to wait a few minutes because she is so sleepy.
4. If she all of a sudden starts fussing out of the blue, I will potty her.

That's it! It translates into pottying her twice per 3-hour nursing cycle during the day, and whenever I feed her at night. It takes perhaps a few extra minutes of my time, but I am changing diapers less often so it equals out.

She is starting to signal more clearly when she has to pee. Right before she pees, she gets really fussy and tense. Then as soon as she starts going, her whole body relaxes.

It's fun to see how well she responds the potty sound. My sisters joked that I could use this as a secret weapon: hand her over to someone I don't like and say "pssssssssss"!

Zari thinks this would be pretty funny, too.

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Then & Now

Pictures of Zari, side by side, at 5 days and 65 days (9 weeks 2 days) old. I measured the flag and tabs on the diapers to make sure the pictures were scaled correctly. I can't believe how much she has grown!

She has grown 4" and gained 4 or 5 pounds since she was born.

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Holidays

Holidays always wreak havoc on things like journal writing and blogging. I hosted my entire family for the past 9 days. That added up to 12 people in our house. Last Christmas we had my husband's family: 22 people (and there were still a few who couldn't come). When you have 7 kids, and those kids all marry early and start multiplying, it makes for a lot of people very quickly. Zari was the 12th grandchild on my husband's side, and his parents are just 52 and 56 years old!

We like to cook, and luckily my family is fairly adventuresome food-wise. For the final dinner before everyone left, my husband and I made:

• Baguettes with 4 different toppings: goat cheese rolled in olives and pimentos, foie gras, caviar, and Camembert
• Sushi (California rolls and fish egg rolls)
• Mussels in butter & garlic sauce
• Escargots on puff pastry with a mushroom, cream, and shallot sauce
• Chocolate tart

Zari's smile switch activated about 3 days ago. We've seen smiles since she was born, but nothing interactive. Now she's grinning back at us all the time. Time to capture that smile on camera...

I've been expressing extra milk over the past day. A woman in our church had a neck injury and the doctor told her she couldn't breastfeed while taking her meds. She was frantic because she didn't want to put her baby on formula. Her mom called me to see if I had any extra breastmilk. I said I'd start collecting. It turns out that she won't need it; she double-checked with another doctor, and the medications are okay for breastfeeding, especially at the small levels she's taking. But I figured it won't hurt to have some extra milk stored away for other such emergency needs. I'd love to donate to adoptive moms or to moms having nursing difficulties.

Now, time for the fun stuff: more pictures!

Tub Party:
Zari and her cousins splashing around in our tub.


Thumb Sucker:
My sisters thought it would be funny to show Zari how to suck her thumb. I just hope she doesn't catch on...I have memories of trying to get my sisters to stop sucking their thumbs. We tried everything--hot pepper flavored nail polish included.

Camouflage:
Her matching blanket and pajamas are hand-me-downs from different people.

Story Time:
Reading with her cousin and grandpa

Self Portrait:
Zari with one of her aunts (my youngest sister).

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Shame

While we were sitting around the dinner table on Christmas Eve, we got onto the topic of my blog. My siblings have read it and commented occasionally, but I don’t think my mom has ever read my blog. When I had asked her why not, she made comments like, “I don’t like blogs.” But that evening, she told me the real reason why she hasn’t read it—she thinks that the pictures I posted are inappropriate. She is ashamed that I have made them public and refuses to look at my blog because she can’t stand the thought of others seeing things that should be “private and sacred.” Another person at the table remarked that “anyone could take those pictures and put them on a porn site.”

Those pictures. What are they referring to, anyway? I they assume mean the picture of me and Zari immediately after the birth, and the three nursing pictures I have posted.

I agree that birth is a very private, sacred event. That’s exactly why I chose to give birth with no one but my husband in attendance, and even he remained in the other room until I called him in at the very end. But sharing my experiences does not detract from the beauty of the experience. I want others to read my story and know why I chose this path.

In addition, I find the picture of me holding my freshly-born daughter incredibly beautiful and inspiring. Whenever I look at it, I feel the elation and joy all over again. To say that this picture is degrading—simply because there is nudity—is like equating Michelangelo’s “David” or Mary Cassatt’s “Mother and Child” with an x-rated video or centerfold. Nudity does not pornography make.

For being completely naked, I expose remarkably little in that picture. All you can really see is one breast, camouflaged by blood smears. Everything else is covered by the baby or in shadow.

And don’t even get me started on breastfeeding being considered objectionable!

I am sad that my mom cannot see beyond the images. I don’t think she has ever read my birth story, and I wonder if she ever will. This blog contains intimate, heartfelt posts about things that are the most important to me--things that are part of my core identity as a woman and a mother.

So, dear readers, would you be ashamed if your own daughter posted similar pictures? Please share your thoughts.

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Get your pens out

On the topic of breastfeeding, You Tube just removed my video because of "inappropriate content" or other such nonsense. Yep, seeing a baby latch on is considered sexually explicit content. I am going to petition the decision, but I don't know if I'll get anywhere. Grrrrrr....

Here is what the You Tube website says about videos that are removed: "When a video gets flagged as inappropriate, we review the video to determine whether it violates our Terms of Use—flagged videos are not automatically taken down by the system. If we remove your video after reviewing it, you can assume that we removed it purposefully, and you should take our warning notification seriously."

I will of course be writing them a very eloquent letter explaining why breastfeeding is NOT sexually explicit and should be allowed on their site.

FYI, here are the standards for posting videos on You Tube:

• it can't show pornography or sexually explicit content
• it can't show a dangerous or illegal act, or real violence
  
• it's not a shock site (like showing dead bodies, war footage, etc)
• it can't post copyrighted material
• no hate speech, predatory behavior, stalking, threats, etc...
  

Did my video violate any of these standards?? I don't think so!

So, if you have a spare moment, write to You Tube and ask them to reinstate my video. It's called "Latching On" and my username is rixaf.

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Latching on

Speaking of nursing, here's a video of Zari latching on when she was around 3 weeks old. She still likes to get her hands in the way!

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Nurse Here Now

I just came across the Nurse Here Now site. I would like to add a resounding "AMEN!"


I breastfeed openly whenever Zari needs to eat. So far, I have nursed:

• In the hospital lobby waiting to get her PKU test done
• On a display couch in World Market. When I said I was going to nurse her, Eric said, "But what if they ask you to leave?" I said, "Then they better be prepared for a nurse-in and national publicity about kicking a breastfeeding mother out of their store." Fortunately I got no hassles there. I give the couch an A+ after its test run. It was very comfortable.
• While watching Casino Royale at the movie theater. She was an angel!
• At the annual holiday dinner for the liberal arts college where Eric works
• At a humanities division social
• In the pews during our church's sacrament meeting
• In the lobby of our church during the meeting (she was being loud and fussy) and after church, when everyone was milling around
• During our church's Christmas party & dinner, while I was eating. Talk about multi-tasking, eh?
• At various church youth functions (I am involved with the teenaged girls)

When I was shopping at the mall a few days ago, I saw those leather massage recliners you pay to use. I soooo wanted to nurse there, but Zari wasn't hungry. Maybe next time.

It's fine if women want to cover up, but I don't and I won't. Sorry Mom, but I will not force my daughter to endure the indiginity of eating with a blanket over her head. My mom is a big proponent of breastfeeding, but thinks that women ought to cover up while in public.

By the way, I really really really want this Breastfeeding Goddess Calendar. Hint hint for you procrastinators out there! Also, here are links to more of her breastfeeding and cesarean artwork.

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Wish-I-Had and Glad-I-Did

Things I wish I had done differently during this pregnancy and birth:

1. I wish I had done my bellycasting sooner. I had everything on hand and had planned on doing the bellycast some time during the 38^th week. Well, that obviously did not happen!

2. Ditto on taking artistic pregnancy pictures. I have weekly pictures of my growing belly, but nothing more aesthetic.

3. Next time, I will be more pro-active in treating my perineum and vaginal area after the birth. I had some pretty serious swelling and pain, and I realize now I should have started ice packs and warm herbal baths right away. I didn’t do any of these things until the fourth day after the birth.

4. Made sure our camera was on the right setting (5 megapixels). It was on a very low resolution when Eric snapped the picture of me and Zari immediately after she was born. I am sad because it is too grainy for anything but a very small print. I don’t suppose there’s a magic way to remedy this...anyone?

Things I am very glad I did:

1. Read Jack Newman’s Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers about 2 times from cover to cover, and watched several video clips on his website. I firmly believe that educating myself before the birth enabled breastfeeding go without a hitch. Knowing exactly what a good latch looks and feels like, and how to get it right, made all the difference.

2. Bought a fetoscope. Eric and I enjoyed listening to the baby’s heart beat, and when I had occasional “hmmmm, I haven’t felt the baby move in a while” moments, I could reassure myself that the baby was fine. The best $13 I ever spent. I didn’t use it all during labor though, nor was I planning to. The thought crossed my mind once, but as the intensity mounted, I didn’t think of it again.

3. Had a 12-day "babymoon" before I allowed any visitors (my mom) to come. It was a magical time, with just me, Eric, and the new baby. We spent most of the time upstairs in our master suite. Eric brought the laptop up, and we ate our meals on my sewing table. Church members supplied most of our dinners during that time, so Eric only had minimal cooking duties. Then, right when I was starting to feel a little stir-crazy, my mom arrived. It was perfect.

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The Many Faces of Zari

Our laptop is back! Here are several pictures of Zari I took over the past week:

Quizzical
This one makes me laugh every time I see it

Calm
At night we bundle her up in a blanket (aka her "baby burrito") and a hat.

Thinking
She had her hand up by her chin, like Rodin's "Thinker," but she moved before I could take the picture.

Earnest
She always nurses with her hands up by her face. Cute, but those hands are sure pesky when I'm trying to get her to latch on!

Zoned Out
Showering with her dad

Serious

Zonked Out
My mom calls this her "cello player" pose.

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Technical difficulties

Holding a sleeping baby and typing one-handed...

Our laptop is in for repairs so I have limited internet access. Expect posts to resume in 1-2 weeks.

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Stats

At 5 weeks old, Zari has grown between 2-3" (it's hard to get an exact measurement on babies) and gained 2 1/2 pounds. All on her mama's milk! Her current measurements:

22" long
9 1/2 pounds

She also has quite a few zits on her face right now. I guess it's her "teenage phase," just a tad early.

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Souviens-toi, mon enfant (Remember, My Child)

This is a song from the French LDS hymnal--it is my favorite. I am not sure why our English version does not have it. It is sung to the melody from Dvorak's "New World Symphony." The English translation is courtesy of yours truly.

Souviens-toi, mon enfant
Souviens-toi, mon enfant: Tes parents divins
te serraient dans leurs bras, ce temps ne’st pas loin.
Aujourd’hui, tu es là, présent merveilleux,
ton regard brille encore du reflet des cieux.
Parle-moi, mon enfant, de ces lieux bénis
car pour toi est léger le voile d’oubli.

Souviens-toi, mon enfant des bois, des cités.
Pouvons-nous ici-bas les imaginer?
Et le ciel jusqu’au soir, est-il rose ou gris ?
Le soleil attend-il la neige ou la pluie?
Conte-moi, mon enfant, la couleur des prés
et le chant des oiseaux d’un monde oublié.

Souviens-toi, mon enfant : A l’aube des temps,
nous étions des amis jouant dans le vent.
Puis un jour, dans la joie nous avons choisi
d’accepter du Seigneur le grand plan de vie.
Ce soir-là, mon enfant, nous avons promis
par l’amour, par la foi, d’être réunis.

Remember, My Child
Remember, my child : not long ago,
your divine parents held you in their arms.
Today you are here, marvelously present.
Your gaze still shines with the reflection of heaven.
Talk to me, my child, about that blessed place,
because for you the veil is still thin.

Remember, my child, the forests, the cities.
Can we down here imagine them?
And the night sky, is it rosy or gray?
Is the sun waiting for snow or rain?
Describe to me, my child, the color of the meadows
and the birdsongs of a forgotten world.

Remember, my child: at the dawn of time,
we were friends playing in the wind.
Then one day in joy we chose to accept
the Lord’s grand plan of life.
That night, my child, we promised through love,
and through faith, to be reunited.

To those who are unfamiliar with LDS (Latter-Day Saint, aka Mormon) theology, I'll briefly explain a few things that this hymn mentions:
1: Pre-mortal existence: we believe that we are eternal beings and that we existed before earth life. We chose to come to earth to obtain physical bodies, to gain experience and knowledge, and to prove to God whether or not we would remain true to the things we had accepted in our premortal existence. Hence the references to knowing our earthly children before this life and the wistful yearning for the world in which we used to live.
2: Heavenly Parents: unlike other Christian faiths, we believe that we also have a Heavenly Mother, that God does not exist without a Goddess alongside him. Eliza R. Snow, one of the most well-known LDS poets, penned these lines that summarize our idea of a Heavenly Mother. (The poem was later set to music and included in the LDS hymnal):
“In the heavens are parents single?
No, the thought makes reason stare.
Truth is reason, truth eternal
Tells me I’ve a Mother there.”

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A Father's Perspective

This is what Eric wrote in his journal the day Zari was born:

So. I am a father. As of 11:23 this morning, I have earthly posterity, a beautiful daughter. We haven’t named her yet, probably won’t until we find something that suits her. What an experience! I think this calls for exclamation points! Rixa woke me up around 6:30 this morning saying that she had been having regular contractions since about 1:30. She told me to cancel my classes, which I did. And take out Zeke, which I did. After a brisk run, Rixa continued to have regular contractions and they got stronger and stronger until about 9:30 when she started pushing.

Pushing took much longer than she thought it would—the baby’s head took a while to mold and move down the birth canal. I did my part by giving Rixa a blessing when she needed it and basically by staying out of the way and helping only when she needed it. She really was amazing. Rixa spent most of her time on the toilet but she also went on the floor and used the birth ball for stability or she went in the tub. I was sitting in the bedroom most of the time, trying not to focus too much on the loud vocalizing that Rixa was doing. Like from the belly of the beast. They were about a minute apart for most of it and when she got close to the end I thought labor was stalling. She wasn’t making as much noise but breathing heavily. Then I heard, “OK, the head is out” and I came in to help catch the baby. She came out smooth and slick, bright pink with a full set of lungs. She cried for about a minute or so but calmed right down when we put her on Rixa. Her head was very molded from the birth but already it looks round and normal. She has a full head of hair and the little Freeze nose crinkle. She looks very much like Freeze babies usually do. Same eyes and forehead going on. Still, it is hard to distinguish characteristics from newborns.

After she was born we took pictures and a couple videos. Rixa went probably prematurely to the bed because it took her a couple hours to get the placenta out. She continued to have strong contractions like she did during labor, but these were for the placenta which stubbornly would not come out. Rixa didn’t want to force it because that could cause unnecessary hemorrhaging so we waited it out. We decided to cut the cord and then Rixa went to the bathroom to labor and get it out, which she did after a short prayer. She even had a small chunk of it to chew on to help stop the bleeding, etc. She really felt great, looks great, and has been recovering nicely. We had Bernice over at the end to help stitch Rixa up and do some blood work. It was very nice to have her just to verify that we did everything right (which we did). Rixa has had pretty minimal bleeding and she can walk, etc. Very functional for a woman who just gave birth.

We put pictures on the family site and we had phone calls all afternoon and evening. We’re dead tired. Right now it’s about 10:45 p.m. and we’re sitting with the girl (still not sure what to call her—Jezebel was the winning vote on the family site and that isn’t going to cut it for long) and changing her diaper. She has already had a couple good meconium poops. Slick and black as fresh tar. We’re just so happy that everything went so smoothly. I gave Rixa a couple blessings that helped both of us feel comfortable and happy about going forward. She is such a beautiful baby and her whole body turns beet red whenever she cries. Now all we need is a name. A NAME! Bonne nuit.

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